


Kiss me quick, but make it last

by iileftherbehind



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bellamy’s POV, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Protective!Bellamy, Smut, complete idiots y’all, flashsbacks, they slow dance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:15:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21607384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iileftherbehind/pseuds/iileftherbehind
Summary: Bellamy just can’t help but be in love with his best friend.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Raven Reyes/John Murphy(minor)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 198





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i was bored so this happened...  
> (fic title is from Catch me by Demi Lovato)

Bellamy's just gotten out of the shower when he hears Murphy's voice breaking in and interrupting the song he was softly singing. 

His roommate's head is ducked through a semi-opened door and his eyes look at him. 

"Where are the cigarettes?"

"What?" Bellamy frowns as he wraps the towel around his wet waist. "You already finished yours?" 

"Yeah." John nods. "Had a long night. Raven was in a bad mood."

"Yeah I noticed that. You didn’t even come home before 5am.” Bellamy sighs and walks to the mirror, trying to fix his wet and messy curls. "In my room, by the way." He says as he grabs the towel to dry his face. "Leave at least two for me for tonight!" 

But John has already left. Typical. 

They're getting ready for Jasper's birthday, at the pub they always go to, so often that the bartender is used to see them, probably, so much that he already knows all their favorite drinks.

It would've been a night out like the others, Jasper insisted he didn't want anything special so it would've just been a couple of drinks and his best friends in the world: Bellamy, Murphy, their other roommate, Nathan, Murphy's girlfriend, Raven, Bellamy's sister, Octavia, and Jasper's roommates, Clarke and Monty, with, of course, Monty's girlfriend and future wife, Harper. 

Clarke’s been Bellamy's best friend for years now.

They met through Octavia years back when she’d just moved there and knew no one. At first, they were kinda forced to try to be friends, given how fast she’d bonded with Octavia and the rest of his friends, but things had slowly changed. A while later he and Clarke actually clicked, and they found out they had more in common than just Octavia. That's how they started hanging alone, too, and they never stopped since then.

Clarke, Bellamy's best friend.

His best friend, and his soulmate.

And the love of his life. 

Bellamy's crush for Clarke is like a fussy cough you have and you can't get rid of, Raven likes to say to Bellamy,you don't even notice you have it anymore, because you're so used of coughing that you don't even realize it anymore. It's part of you.  Everyone knows about Bellamy's crush, now. Or, well, almost everyone. 

* * *

When Bellamy enters the pub it's too crowded and noisy for his likings, but he focuses on the good stuff. It's Jasper's 22nd birthday and they're gonna celebrate it in the best of the ways; they even got him his favorite dessert: chocolate cake.

His eyes don't lose any precious time: they're already on her two seconds after he entered. 

Clarke's wearing a red tight dress that lets all her curves visible, her - now - short hair is loose and she's wearing those black boots Bellamy hates but admits they fit to her. (What doesn't?) 

She's speaking and laughing with Raven, sitting at the table they reserved for Jasper, with everyone else just waiting for him and Murphy. 

"C'mon, dude, let's not drool over Griffin all over the floor. We just arrived." Murphy pushes him slightly then grabs his wrist and pulls him with him to the table.

"I wasn't drooling..." Bellamy blurts out.

"Not yet." Murphy winks. Then, when they get there, he let's go off Bellamy's wrist and smiles at Raven, gives her a quick peck on the lips before he proceeds to say hi to everyone and sing "happy birthday Jasper" with a grin on his lips. 

"Hey guys" Bellamy smiles. He already has seen Jasper earlier in the morning, gave him his birthday gift, and spoke to him about how "twenty two is a good year." telling him how his twenty-second year was, speaking as if he's not just two years older than him. So, he just smiles at Octavia and waves at everyone else before he goes to sit next to Clarke.

"You guys are late" Clarke turns her face to the guy then just looks at him with a big smile on her lip.

"It's Murphy's fault... he finished my cigarettes and we had to stop by to get a new package." he admits.

Clarke shakes her head. "Mh Mh. You're not forgiven."

"Okay... okay" He laughs it off. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Promise?"

"Yeah.." He gives her a slight nod. "Promise".

"Okay, because there's this really amazing thing i wanted to talk to you about and- god, I'm so excited." 

Bellamy just furrows his eyebrows together and sweeps his eyes over Clarke's face, his curiosity making space on him . He loves her enthusiasms. It's something that makes her... her. 

"What is it?" 

"So..." She starts, the excitement making her bite her bottom lip. "I was invited to one of these- classy nights at the museum this Saturday... " she waves around. "you know, for being the youngest artist to have some of their art exposed or whatever..."

"Hey! No, not "or whatever", you ARE the youngest artist to have their art exposure in a museum, let me say it, worth of its nameand you gotta be proud of it, Clarke Griffin. Plus..." A grin makes his space to his face. "Free buffet for you and your friends. Aah, I love being your friend." 

"Shut up" The blonde laughs widely then shakes her head. "Anyhow..." She clears her throat before going on. "I was invited and... well, this night is hosted by one of the most famous artists of the city, who's also a cofounder of the museum, you know? That'd be a GREAT opportunity for me to go!"

"That's great! Of course you gotta go!" He answers, happy for her. "That's amazing, I'm so proud of you, really."

"Thanks. But that's not all..."

Bellamy raises an eyebrow, and just after this the blonde continues with a big, proud, but also awkward smile on her lips. "They told me I can and should bring someone. So...would you like to be my date?" 

Bellamy, who was sipping on his beer while listening to her, can't help but miss a sip at those words. And that's how he starts coughing, thinking of the absurdity of her request.

"Oh— fuck" She laughs and starts tapping on his back to get him to stop coughing. "You okay?"  This calls the attention of the group, making Jasper frown at first then laugh. "Is big Blake okay?" 

That's when he finally stops coughing, Bellamy clears his throat and closes his eyes for a brief second. "Shit. Uhm...Yes, god, of course. I wouldn't miss it." He gives her an awkward smile. "I'm coming with you."

He can fully hear her squeal out of joy. "Yay!  God, it's gonna be so much fun, and having you there is surely gonna make me more confident. Thank you, Bell." and she says this words while throwing her arms around him and hugging him.

He smiles, hugging her back. "Don't thank me... I can't wait to be there with you."

« _ I would do this and more, for you _ .» he doesn't say it. 

Only after some seconds she pulls away and smiles, a lot, and that's enough to give Bellamy cramps to his stomach and dry throat.

"Sooooooooo." Nathan interrupts whatever Octavia and Jasper were talking about and throws an arm over Jas' shoulder. 

"Twenty two, uh." 

"Yeah." Jasper shrugs.

"Dude, it's a big deal! You got here, despite all, I'd say this is a success and enough to call another roun- Ah, c'mon those two again..." That's how Bellamy gets his attention off Clarke's hair's smell that's all over the table since when he arrived, frowns a bit, trying to understand whatever is bothering Nate so much, just to find Raven and Murphy busy in a  hot-not-so-sober make out session. 

Raven laughs lightly against Murphy's lips before pulling away, licks hers then shows Nate her middle finger.  "Look, find yourself a hot dude to make out with, Miller, and stop annoying us." the latina blurts out.

"ah c'mon, leave them alone, Nathan." Clarke takes a sip of her drink then shrugs her shoulders. "Let them enjoy the night... let HER enjoy the night." She looks at Raven and laughs. "If I think about the last time i kissed someone like th-" 

"I'll get more drinks" Bellamy stands up and clears his throat, smiles a bit then turns and makes his way to the counter. 

He's sipping his beer and chewing on his bottom lip when he's not drinking, when he feels a hand on his shoulder; he startles lightly, then relaxes his forehead when he realizes it's just Murphy. 

"Dude, calm down. You're so tense tonight. Is it because of Griffin's dress?" Murphy whistles.

"Shut up, Murphy."

The friend holds his hands up in surrender. "I'm just saying..."

Bellamy doesn't lift his eyes from the counter, nor gives Murphy a nod. He just sigh quietly which is enough for Murphy to continue. 

"I'm just saying... you've been in love with her for so long now. Just fucking tell her, man. You can't keep doing that to yourself."

"Doing _what_ to myself?" 

“This,” Murphy starts. He's always been Bellamy's male best friend, he knows him, he loves him. He cares about him, enough not to want him to torture himself over his other best friend.

"I'm talking about you... going after your best friend when you could just tell her how you feel. You are best friends, you have so much in common and basically spend every friday night and weekend together. How hard can it be?"

"Look, it's not—" he interrupts himself to clench his jaw a little bit. "It's not that easy, okay? It’s not. It’s not gonna be that easy, ever. Like— take you. Raven reciprocates what you feel. It was easy for you... it was super easy. And trust me, I’m happy for you guys, but it’s not always like this. I don't know how she feels, and I can't just risk our friendship." he finally looks up at Murphy's face, "she’s  my favorite person in the whole wide world. If it went terribly wrong,  I'd blame myself for losing my best friend, so... no. I'm not telling her, end of the discussion" Bellamy says, taking the beer and in one sip drinking the whole content of the bottle, leaving it empty on the counter before he turns on his heels and walks back to the table.

Leaving his friend behind, Bellamy initially makes his way back to the table. But as he starts walking toward it, something else catches his attention.

"I recall telling you already that I’m not interested, didn’t I? Go away. I'm not giving you my number, no matter how much you ask." Clarke spits out.

Harper’s next to her, sat on the stool beside her. 

But Clarke’s talking to someone else.

A man.

Too close to Clarke. And she doesn't seem to like it, judging on her last words.

"Everything okay here?" Bellamy says, approaching them.

"Bellamy,” Clarke sighs. “Yeah, everything fine. Want something to drink?” 

“No, thank you” he says, looking at the man.

Bellamy raises an eyebrow, then sweeps his eyes between Clarke and Harper. “Do you know him?”

Harper exchanges a look with Clarke. ”We certainly do not” she then says.

”I was just asking,” the man says, holding his hands in surrender. ”What about you, blondie?” he asks, looking at Harper.

”I have a boyfriend. Piss off.”

”Didn’t you hear them? Stop being a creep and go.” Bellamy tells him.

"And who even are you, now?”

"Not important. Just piss off maybe?”

It doesn't seem to be working, since the man keeps standing there.

”You came out of nowhere when I was just trying to talk to these beautiful ladies, that’s really not nice from you...”

Bellamy rolls his eyes.

”You were flirting, and we told you we are not interested.” Clarke voice resonates from behind Bellamy. “Piss off.” she says, pausing between each word.

”Or maybe I could just get to know you better,” the stranger murmurs, putting an hand off his on Clarke’s thigh.

Clarke pushes him away, she does, and she gives him a death glare. But that wasn’t enough. 

  
Bellamy knows she is absolutely, completely capable of defending herself. It’s not because of that that he does it.

He just does it, before he consciously can decide to even do it. 

And so he punches him.

"Bellamy!” Clarke jumps off her stool, “Oh my god, Bellamy, stop!” 

Bellamy groans, looking at his hand. But seeing the man bleeding cheek, his pain feels immediately lighter. 

"Bastard” the stranger murmurs, right before hitting Bellamy back, right on his face.

Bellamy groans again, but louder, much much louder. 

He hisses slightly after that, pulls away and takes a few steps backwards. “Shit,” he sniffs, passing his hand on his cheek to discover some blood.

”You’re fucking finished.”

Bellamy punches him again, right in the stomach, and the stranger — surely not looking like someone who would let go — hits him right back. And it’s the chaos.

Clarke tries to divide them.

"For fuck's sake, Bellamy, You're gonna get hurt!”

"I got this, I got thi—" Harper reassures her, but can't finish the sentence before, luckily Murphy and Miller get there — next to some other curious people who are just enjoying the show — with, luckily, the pub's bodyguard.

Bellamy thanks god that they're usual clients at the pub and aren't known for causing troubles, ever, because this is probably the only reason why Bellamy's not kicked out and banned from the pub, while the man is, after, of course, telling the boss the whole story of how he's a dangerous individual, harassing women all around the club. 

Murphy's the one who interrupts the murmuring of the people. "The fuck do y'all look at, uh?" he partes his arms and waves around to make the crowd that Bellamy attracted go. 

"Bellamy..." Clarke sighs as she makes her way to him and cups his hurt bleeding hand in one gesture. "You're such an idiot..."

Bellamy sniffs and takes his hand away. “I’m fine.”

”Shut the fuck up and follow me." and, as if she didn't already tell him, almost ordered him, to follow her, she just takes his (not hurt) hand and walks with him to the restrooms.

"That's the ladies one." 

"You already saw boobs in your life, I recall.” 

He snorts. "Now tell me how this changes anything."

The restroom is empty, and as soon as they're in Clarke closes and locks the door behind them to avoid an unpleasant encounteer.

"Stay there, by the counter... let me look for an aid box." 

He does as she says.  Leans his hips against the counter and just...watches her. He watches her sweeping her eyes over the sinks and pouting her lips - she does it, when she's focused on something - and , for a second, his hand, his forehead wound and his cheek don't hurt anymore. 

He remembers this one time. She was drawing something for her art project - he doesn't exactly remember what because he was too busy looking at her -laying down on his bed, and even though he was supposed to be studying, all he did was sitting there, chewing on his bottom lip and analyzing every single one of her tiny, beautiful details. 

From her blonde wavy long (at that time, now she cut it and Bellamy loves it that way) hair, to her tiny noise at the center of her face, to her perfectly shaped lips, to her mole right above her upper lip. 

Bellamy would stare at her for hours; for a main reason. Or, well, two. 

Because she is the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen in his whole life. 

But, also, first, because when she draws she's super concentrated and there would not be risk of her catching his gaze on her, making it awkward. And second, because Bellamy thinks she is even more beautiful while drawing. Because she is happy. Not only, she looks serene, calm. Like every single bad thing she's had to go through in her life never happened. 

This one time they were home alone for another of their "usual Bellamy & Clarke friday night" as Clarke likes to call it. They would reunite either at Clarke's or at Bellamy's place, depending on their roommates, and spend a quiet and funny friday night with their best friend. 

Watch a tv series or a movie, talk until they'd fall asleep, eat pizza when they're too tired or lazy or, instead, they would cook. Well... Bellamy would. Clarke would just watch him in awe and annoy him while he's trying to steer the dough or check the oven. But he doesn't mind.

"Bellamy?" Her voice brings him back to reality.

"Mh?" he blinks a few times. “Yes?”

"Are you okay? Did you hit your head?" 

"What? Oh, no. No, I'm fine, really." followed by a sigh. "It's not really necessary, by the way..." he says, glazing at the cotton in her left hand and the disinfectant in her right one. 

"You’re always so grumpy." but she says it with a smile on her lips.

”He really hit you, uh.” Clarke continues.

”I’m sure his situation is worse.” he says, smirking.

Clarke rolls her eyes.  She whispers. "Tell me if it hurts..."

"I'll." his answer is even more quiet than her whisper, and in a second, he realizes how close their faces are. 

They're the closest they've ever been. 

_ Well, except from that one time she invented that "forehead promise" thing, where basically to promise something really, really important they would touch their forehead and swear to never break the promise. Then, Bellamy watched with her this series they were binging that month and found out she never made that up, but had copied it from one of the characters.  _

_She had laughed. " Well, you liked it. And you didn't break the promise... so i guess it works. "_

"You know you could've seriously got hurt..." that's how she breaks, once again, in his thoughts and brings him back to reality. 

He shrugs. "He was being a really disgusting human being. I know you don’t need to be protected, and neither does Harper, I just kinda lost it. He was acting like a jerk.”

"The world is full of jerks."

She has a point, of course she does, but this doesn't change anything. He’s not lying — telling her he knows she doesn’t need protection. Him coming there didn’t change anything. She could’ve got rid of him, and in a more elegant and quiet way than he chose. But seeing him talk like that, _touch_ her like that, it made his blood boil. Plus, if he has a chance of protect her, make sure she is okay, and fine, and happy and safe... he won't miss it. 

Clarke looks at Bellamy for a second, into his eyes, since he doesn't answer, then brings her gaze back on his wound. "Besides..." 

Bellamy can smell her perfume at this point. 

Yeah, that's clearly her perfume. 

"Besides... you know i could've done that myself." 

”Of course you could’ve.” he smirks. “Poor him, maybe he was lucky you didn’t have to.”

Clarke laughs. “And i probably wouldn't have let him hit me." she smirks and Bellamy's eyes fall on her smirk, really... really close to his lips. 

God, that feels _good_. 

"God, shut up Griffin." 

She giggles slightly then bites her bottom lip and slowly gets back on her feet, her eyes on his.

"I should probably put a patch."

"It's fine... wounds are hot." His grin is not too wide, but it's there. 

Clarke shrugs her shoulders. "Yeah, you're right, they are."

Bellamy turns around and looks at himself in the mirror, sweeps his dark eyes over his figure before looking at the wound on his forehead. 

"Thanks." that's all he can mumble right now.

She laughs lightly. "I'm not done yet, you idiot. Come here."

He turns back to her and nods, then observes her getting on her tiptoes again and putting some more disinfectant all around the wound to clean it up.

His eyes are on her. Completely focused on her. 

She has a relaxed expression on her face, which goes against his theory that every time she's focusing on something her eyebrows are furrowed together in a way that makes him go crazy. 

"You know...I missed you yesterday." she admits.

"Oh... yeah, yesterday, you’re right.” he admits. “I'm sorry, I really wanted to come, both me and Octavia did, but, you know...” He laughs a bit and looks away but stays still for her to be able to clean his wound. "It was her first driving lesson. I had and wanted to stay with her."

"Of course." her lips arched in a smile. "You're always so good with people, Bellamy." He looks at her again just to find her eyes looking at him already. "You're such a great person... I don't even know what I did to deserve a person like you in my life." He doesn't know where these words come from but he knows they're genuine and honest. 

"I am the lucky one... you know that, right?" Just now, just now after talking he noticed she's never got back on her feet. She's still on her tiptoes, her face too close to his to not feel those butterflies in his stomach every time he can feel her breathing close to his skin. 

"Bellamy..." Clarke shakes her head while keeping her bottom lip in a grip between her teeth. 

"What? I'm serious." He nods, just to be sure she gets it. "You're- you're just... god, you're like a sun." He smiles a bit, swallows heavily then, without even thinking, pushes a strand ofher hair that had fallen in front of her eyes, back behind her ear. "You bring the sun when you enter a room." And he means it. 

Clarke stays there, still, watching him, her smile faded away, instead in its place there's just a quite confused expression, her eyebrows furrowed, her eyes studying his face. 

Bellamy blinks a few times, just to remind himself that, yes, they're this close and yes, his hand is still on her cheek and, yes, their faces are so close that he could just... he could just lean a bit over and it'd be done. 

It'd be what he's been wanting since... since always. 

He sees her opening her lips, slowly, like she's about to say something but the time they've been in silence is now way much more than the silence they've EVER shared. Ever shared  this close. 

Before he knows it, he leans down with a sudden move and closes his eyes: his lips are on hers.

She kisses him back immediately, almost as if, if he hadn't done it, if he hadn't kissed her,she would've; and this sure as hell surprises him but he doesn't pull away. The kiss quickly gets passionate, and that’s when  Clarke lets the cotton drop and instead slides her hands on his neck, holding on it while their lips start to get red from the way they're consuming each others'; Bellamy wraps his arms around her waist and turns them around in a fast, sudden move, making Clarke hit the counter with her back and causing her to let out a gasp against his lips. 

He doesn’t mind, and pulls her closer to him, touching her dress that, although it being a summer dress, it feels still a too thick piece of clothing dividing her from him. 

Dividing him from touching her bare skin.

He wants to _feel_ _it_. 

He wants to _feel_ _ her._

It gets fast and desperate pretty quickly, hands everywhere, trying to feel each other like they’ve been keeping themselves from doing it for far too long. Some more smackers later her dress is off, so as his shirt, down on the floor, not caring about the fact that they’re in a public restroom right now. 

His hands slide down on her back and grab her ass, now completely naked if it wasn’t for a thin red string she’s wearing. Clarke’s fingers work on his belt, trying to open it and to pull him even closer, and when her bra is off and his hand is cupping her boob she knows it’s over. 

She’s _his_. 

He can do whatever he wants.

‘Fuck—‘ that’s all she breathes out against his lips when his fingers slide into her string and gently rub her cunt at the same pace their tongues are fighting against each other for dominance, revealing a wet spot on her underwear.

And when Bellamy’s lips move down on her neck to kiss her just like he knows she’d like, Clarke doesn’t open her eyes, just partes her lips and swallows heavily, sign that makes Bellamy understand that his lips on her neck and his fingers on her cunt are working.  She’s wet, soaking wet, which drives Bellamy crazy and makes it hard to focus on pleasuring her when the pleasure is his, too. 

Some more teasing and moans later, her legs are around his waist and he’s carrying her into one of the cabins. The loud noise the door makes when Bellamy slams it close startles them both, but it’s not a problem when, a second later, he collides their lips together again to drown out all the feelings there. 

“Bellamy...” she breathes out, desperately gasping for air and some more of him. All of him.

At this point all that’s dividing them is her string and his briefs. 

He doesn’t ask her what she needs and wants. He doesn’t need to. And when they’re both finally free from every single piece of clothing on them he hesitates, just for a second. 

She furrows her eyebrows together, her breathing still heavy from the air he sucked out of her lungs, kissing her with all the passion she’s never received in her whole life. 

“I think-“ 

“I’m clean.” Her eyes sweeping all over his freckled face, trying to find a glimpse of reaction to that unrequired information. “And I’m on the pill. And I trust you...” she let’s out a breathy laughter. Of course she does, he’s her _best friend_. “So... if you don’t have anything to talk to me about-“ 

His lips are on hers once again, not letting her finish the sentence, but she doesn’t seem to mind, at all, since after some more seconds she guides him into herself. He pushes inside her once, making them both groan.

He tries. He tried to block out the feelings, to put them aside. He knows they’re useless in this situation, that it would just ruin everything. After all, yes, he has feelings and very important ones for her, but he’s desired her before anything else. 

He had wanted her, he’d wanted to feel her close first. Then he wanted to kiss her, to smell her, to touch her. To  _ feel _ her.

And now it is happening, all together, and he doesn’t quite know how he is handling it so well.

He fastens the pace after a while spent making out, their tongues brushing against each other not giving the other time to breath in enough air. Their throat working hard to try to breath the very much needed air right now. 

“God, Bellamy-“ her moans drive him crazy, “keep- keep going-“ as if he’s thinking of ever stopping.

Every time he pushes inside her and then pulls back, just to push back in, the door against the one he’s keeping her pressed isn't the only one making the restroom a noisy place. Her moans and his groans are all they can hear, next to their skin moving against each other and some smackers here and there if he’d kiss her to stop looking at her, or if she’d do it to moan into his mouth. 

“God.” his grunts say enough. And he grabs her ass tighter, kneading it at the same pace he’s thrusting inside her with his full length.  This, apparently, makes Clarke squeal and next thing he sees is her head thrown against the door, her eyes closed and her lips parted.

Running his hands sinfully all over her body, wandering territory he’d never dared to get in, she starts breathing way heavier. When she echoes one of his trains, that’s enough for him. Enough to slide his hand between their bodies and start to rub her clit furiously. 

“Oh- oh my god-“ her whimpers makes him groan against her ear, which, ultimately makes her moan. And it’s a never ending circle.

“Fuck.” he’s the one who groans now. The way she starts moving against him suggest him that she’s close and, honestly, he can feel the sparkle of pleasure coming sooner than he’d thought. 

”G-good?”

She nods, breathless, desperate for him. 

And when he wraps his lips around a nipple of her and gently start sucking on it, slowly, using his tongue to pleasure in every way possible, she lets out the highest scream until now, making it echo in the whole empty restroom. 

“More.” She coaxes. “M-more, please-“ 

If there’s something Bellamy knows it’s sex. He’s never been great at relationships, but he’s quite good at sex. He’s actually _really_ good at it. He’s had a lot of partners in his life, no matter what gender, and he’s pleased them all. But with Clarke... he should’ve expected it would’ve been different. If he’s _not_ good at something it’s feelings. And he has a lot of them for her.

Bellamy grabs her hair, her skin, her breasts, Clarke breathes out inside his mouth, messes his hair, scratches his skin.  Finally, she comes clenching around him and scratching his back with her nails, which causes Bellamy a hint of pain he doesn’t even mind, nor actually feel, because some seconds later he follows her, letting out a long groan right against her neck, and releasing himself inside her. 

The sudden warmth Clarke feels makes her weak, so much that she looses the grip of her legs and Bellamy has to hold her to keep her from falling on the floor. 

_ God. He can feel how weak he makes her and this, this is a drug for him. _

He doesn’t pull away for a while. His forehead against her shoulder, his eyes closed, and all he feels is Clarke’s fingers running through his curls and her chest moving against his, dramatically looking for air. 

She slowly licks her lips, before blinking her eyes open and, with a whispery, gently voice, she says his name. 

“Bell.” 

The name, _that_ name makes him open his eyes.

Did she just?

But he doesn’t wanna make it a big deal. So all he does is pulling away and looking at her. 

“You... smell incredibly, by the way.” his voice is raspy, that familiar smirk on his lips that makes her bite her bottom lip. 

“You do, too.” and she smirks. “Why do you think I steal your hoodies on a daily?” 

He lets a breathy laughter, shaking his head. “You still have to give me my blue one, by the way.”

”Not happening, Blake.”

He thanks god it’s not as awkward as he’s imagined the afterward.

He gets to release her after a while, and when Clarke’s bare feet touch the cold floor she already misses his warm touch.

What happens next is slightly awkward, though, even if cute.  Embarrassed gazes and muffled laughter, next to a smile here and there. 

“Your cheeks are so red.” he finally says something while wearing his belt again, after the weight of the silence starts feeling too much.

”That was intense. So that’s the bare  minimum.”

Bellamy snorts, but nods. “Got it...”

“I don’t know if i’ll be able to walk tomorrow... so should I say good job, or?” 

“Just say the truth.” 

She bites her bottom lip, a silence that lasts more than he thought he could handle after what they had just done.

“It was... It was great, Bellamy.” she admits.

Bellamy stares at her for a while more. But this time, it’s different. It’s not like it was when he stared at her drawing for minutes, simply observing her details. 

Now, he’s craving her.

She’s simply a drug. A drug he’s tasting for the first time aftee years spent of wanting it, and desiring it, of having it in front of his eyes without being able to taste it. To get high. 

And tonight... tonight he overdosed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter focuses more on Bellamy’s feelings and, later, there’s a Bellamy and Clarke’s confrontation.  
> Angst ahead!

Bellamy doesn't know what to do.

It's been two days since the pub night, and everything that came with it seems like the opposite of what he'd expected or ever dreamt about before.

Sure, he knows that that didn't change the fact that Clarke probably doesn't return his feelings and never will love him in the way he wants to be loved by her, sure, he already knew that this wouldn't have meant them getting in a relationship and living happily together forever, but, at least, he'd hoped for a conversation.

A confrontation.

Or, in the last of the cases, them ignoring the thing.

At least he'd known they were still best friends.

Instead, what he had been frightened of happened and, really, he didn't know what to do.

It's friday, 3.24pm. They should be texting or talking at the phone to organize their usual friday night, to decide where to go, what to eat, what to do. Like every other Friday night. Like every other Friday night since when Clarke was 18.

But Bellamy's been texting her since the day after and Clarke hasn't answered one of his texts nor calls.

At first, Bellamy thought she needed space.

The morning after what happened, he had hope. He knew she would've come to him eventually, when she was ready to talk about whatever they had shared the night before, or at least tell him that it meant nothing to her and it didn't change anything between them.

Fact is, Bellamy would've preferred it.

Sure, it would've hurt as hell, but it would've hurt less than losing the only person who's ever loved him sincerely, understood him like no one else ever has, and embraced him for who he is. Maybe, even because of who he is.

Bellamy sweeps his eyes over the messy shelves of his room, where papers and books take the majority of the space, thinking about how stupid he was to let something like that happen.

He can't even blame it on the alcool because he was super sober. And, small detail... he wanted it. He wanted her, more than anything else he'd ever desired in his whole life.

His eyes land on the wall right above his desk, the one where dozens of pics of him and Clarke are hung.

The one they took with Octavia at Octavia's 16th birthday is what captured his attention. Bellamy was 21 at the time, and Clarke was 19. She still had long hair and her face was a bit fuller, he remembered that year, and that birthday. Bellamy and Clarke had worked day and night to organize the perfect birthday, just like they knew Octavia wanted. After all, they are the most important people in her life and also the ones that know her better.

As his mind travels back in time it also goes at the light's speed to try to understand if, perhaps, he did something wrong.

Oh my god.

What if it's his fault?

Did he do something? Did he say something? Was he too rough? Was he too gentle? Did he stare into her eyes for too long? Oh my god. Did he let something compromising slip out of his lips while sex? Did he tell her he loves her?

No, he would've remembered.

Damn yes, he would've.

Maybe she was confused. Maybe, she just needed time to process what happened, and he understands it.

After all, she'd just had sex with her childhood super platonic-not really platonic anymore- best friend. And, even though it must have been just sex for her, it can be confusing. So, the least he can do is leave her some space.

That's how he stopped calling her and texting her, but after the third day, he got anxious again. Nervous. Paranoid.

Still, he sure as hell can't obligate her to talk to him, let alone see him, if she, evidently, doesn't want to.So, he lets Murphy take him out for the Friday night, something he hasn't done in... years, considering every Friday night was dedicated to Clarke. Not that he minded.

"See? Don't you feel a little better?" He can barely hear Murphy's voice over the loud music resounding in the large pub. Not the same one. Bellamy said Murphy he didn't want to go back there, so John brought him to this old pub at the end of the street they lived in, where the music was too loud and the alcohol not too expensive.

Bellamy swallows his neat whiskey as an answer, and doesn't give Murphy sign that he heard his question, even if he did.

"Hey, man." Murphy's head is turned to him now. "I promise, she'll call you back. She can't hide forever, we're all friends, what is she gonna do, drop all of her other friendships and run away?" he scoffs, at the absurdity of what he just said.

But Bellamy doesn't think it's too absurd.

Would she do that? Would they all lose Clarke because he had to break the chain that kept his feelings inside of him and have sex with her? That's selfish. And Bellamy's not selfish.

"If Clarke was here she'd tell me I'm not selfish." Bellamy's words don't make sense with Murphy's, they only make sense with his thoughts so maybe the alcohol is working on him.

"What?" the friend frowns. "You're not selfish."

Bellamy downs the whiskey in one sip then pushes the glass against the counter. "You're not Clarke."

Murphy snorts. "Thanks for noticing, dude."

The night is simple. When Murphy brings Bellamy home he's drank maybe two drinks too many. His goal wasn't to get drunk not to think about Clarke, because he anyway knew it wouldn't have worked. He knew even his drunk self was in love with his best friend.

Sitting on his bed (right after Murphy had to bring him there because, apparently, when Bellamy's drunk he loses his sense of orientation in his own apartment) the friend's blue eyes look at him with a concerned expression.

"That's what I meant when I told you you can't keep doing yourself this, Bellamy..." Murphy says.

"Do you love Raven?" That's all Bellamy answers to him. Like he had prepared it.

After a frowned expression makes space in his face, Murphy shrugs his shoulders. "Of course I do." He nods. "Actually, I'm in love with her." 

Bellamy smiles lightly, he's never seen Murphy happier than he is with his friend Reyes.

"And she is, too. Now... now, think about the possibility of her not returning what you feel instead." he swallows, then continues. "Would you just...just move on, and find someone else, because you 'can't keep doing yourself that'? Fuck, John, I'm in love with her! Do you know what that means? It means- it means I think about her, all the time, every day, every second. And- fuck, when she's around... I'm just- I'm just a better person! She makes me a better person..." Bellamy looks up at the ceiling like to remind himself that John knows all of this. But somehow, his drunk, wasted in love ass has to say it, especially now that Clarke's ignoring him. "And I can't imagine a world where she's not around me." A slight nod. "I can bare her not loving me back... I can- I can live with this pain, I have been. But living without her? That's not something I can do".

All that Murphy does is sigh, heavily. He nods slowly then caresses Bellamy's arm. "Get some sleep, mh? We'll talk tomorrow."

Bellamy can't sleep. Of course he can't. And he doesn't know how, but he finds himself with his phone in his hands and Clarke's chat opened under his eyes.

«Hey... I wanted to know how you fee-»

"No."he deletes it.

«Clarke. Do you wanna talk abo-»

"Fuck, Bellamy." he deletes it.

«I miss y-»

"You're fucking drunk..."

He sighs, then deletes it.

«Are you alright?» a question.

And he's honest, he just wants to know if she's okay. So he sends it.

Bellamy's not only surprised but he can also swear that his heart skips a beat when, only some seconds later, he can see three dots appear in the screen, notifying him that Clarke's awake, and she's texting something as a reply to him.

The waiting is not long, but he can swear it lasts forever.

«Are you?»

Are you? what kind of answer is that? What kind of question is that... Of course he's not alright.

Then, another message follows.

«I'm sorry I missed Bellamy & Clarke's Friday night.»

It can't help but make him smile. Damn it.

«It's fjne.»

«Bug I missef you.»

«A kot.»

«Lot..»

_Fuck_. He's wasted.

«Bellamy, are you drunk?»

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

He doesn't answer. He doesn't text back. He turns his phone off and stays awake until the sun comes up and it's reasonable to be up again, reasonable to drown in his own damn thoughts.

* * *

The weekend that follows feels like an eternity.

Bellamy and the others go out on Saturday night, but there's no trace of Clarke, so Bellamy asks a person who he knows for sure does know something about Clarke.

"Where is she, Raven? Just... just tell me, yeah? I swear I'm not gonna freak out, just tell me if she's fucking okay."

"Bellamy..." Raven's voice was apprehensive. "She's fine. Just give her time to wrap her head around what happened."

"What happened..." he scoffed. "It was just sex, Raven, God..."

He'd seen her nodding. "Exactly."

Exactly? What did that 'exactly' mean? That's what his only thought had been during the whole Sunday morning after the Saturday, and the Sunday afternoon as well, and Sunday night. And the Monday after the Sunday, and every day of that week.

His days passed just like always. More or less.

He went to work, he went to his classes, studied with less attention than his usual one, but he went to Octavia's second driving lesson on Monday.

He'd smile at her to pretend everything was okay, but it sure wasn't.

"She doesn't talk to me, Bellamy" she'd tell him.

Octavia had shrugged her shoulders. "You're my brother, it does make sense she can't talk to me about this". His sister had said it like it was something they couldn't talk about. But again, could they?

On Tuesday's night his brain decided that torturing himself with thinking about the reason why she was isolating herself - if even there was one - was old fashioned. So it started torturing him with the thoughts of the sex they'd shared flooding into his brain and making as much space as they could, leaving him no choice but to surrender to it.

The more Bellamy tried to push the thought away, the more the warmth of Clarke's mouth came back to his mind in a completely random way. It wasn't that he wanted to think about it, but he couldn't help it.

He even almost dropped the coffee that morning because of his stupid brain.

The way she felt against him drove him crazy.

Her screaming his name to drown out the sparkle of pleasure he'd given her, he was sure, made him feel like his body was in flame.

Everything about that night was something he'd cherish, no matter what was happening next, because he's never felt this way with anyone else in his life, although the number of his sex partners is...a considerable amount: Bellamy's always been kind of a playboy, everyone knows it, plus, he didn't care who he liked. Men, women, or any other gender. He just liked people. Gina, the one he thought was the one for a brief second before she accepted a job in Europe without telling him, she couldn't give him that feeling in all the times they'd slept together. Not even that dude he met in a plane and dated for like three months before he decided he couldn't have a relationship. Not again, not after Gina.

Hell, it wasn't even the first time he'd had sex with one of his best friend. Murphy had been the first one. 

He remembers it clearly even if it was already three years ago: Bellamy was drunk as fuck and even though Murphy wasn't as drunk as Bellamy was, he had smoked whatever Nathan had brought to what Bellamy recalls being Monty and Harper's party at their new apartment.

It was their first and last time together, because they were just good friends, and - on the contrary of Bellamy's actual situation - they meant it, but it was good, they both had agreed on that.

But he wasn't in love with Murphy.

And John didn't disappear after their drunken night. So, Bellamy didn't know how to behave.

Finally, on that cold Thursday night, just two days before the gala at the museum - he thought that it was every day very more unlikely that he'll attend it, given the circumstances - he decides he has enough. He wants answers, solid answers, and he wants to hear them from her.

Right after grabbing his old black jacket - that one that Clarke bought him for his 19th birthday and that he's never stopped wearing, not even when it clearly started getting old and the color started fading away, making it look like a grey-ish one instead - he takes his keys and walks to the door, ready to confront her. But what he sees when he opens the door is nothing of what he'd expected. Maybe hoped. But not expected.

Clarke, standing there holding her right fist up, probably about to knock on the door the moment Bellamy opens the door, is looking up at him, an expression he can't quite decipher, which makes him go crazy.

"I-" she swallows. "Hey."

Her hair is up in a messy bun, she's wearing her glasses - she only uses them when she's home 'cause she always uses lents outside - and she's wearing a pair of leggings and a blue hoodie. His blue hoodie.

Looks like the first thing he notices is that one.

At his silence, she clears her throat. "Can I come in?

He hesitates, for a just a moment. But then he remembers what he was going to do before he found Clarke knocking at his door.

"I um... I was actually driving to your apartment." He says, as he steps to the side, allowing her to come in.

"Oh." She walks inside while biting her bottom lip, which suggests Bellamy that she's nervous.

Bellamy closes the door behind them and puts the jacket away, then shoves his hands into his pockets and stares at Clarke for an undistinguishable amount of time, which makes her frown a little bit.

"Look, Bellamy, I-"

But he cut her in. "I'm sorry I didn't answer the text. Yes, I was drunk, so I figured it was better if I just... you know, slept."

"That's fine." she gives him a slight nod, then, "I am the one who should apologize. I'm here for that, actually."

Clarke doesn't know it, she can't, but Bellamy's heart is about to get out of his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Bellamy." she sounds sincere. "I- I had a hard time wrapping my head around what happened, which, by the way,just so you know, I don't regret."

Bellamy might swear he can't breathe.

She doesn't? She doesn't regret it?

"I really don't.” she continues. “Because... well, because it was good." She shrugs her shoulders and laughs lightly. "And I'm not that type of person who lets a quickie ruin an amazing friendship."

 _Ouch_. A _quickie?_

She can't hear it, but his heart cracks for a second.

Still, he tries to keep it cool.

"So... I wanted to say sorry for being absent and distant with you, I wanted to talk about it but then my dad called and I had to get back to New York for a thing-"

"Wait, you flew to New York?"

"Yeah." she nods. "On Friday morning, I came back on Saturday. That's why I missed our-"

"I get it." he gives her a weak smile, the most he feels he can do for now. "It's okay. I hope Jake is fine."

"He is, just some stuff to sign." she smiles, but it quickly fades away, and she turns serious again. "So uhm... yeah, moral of the story, I lost time and procrastinated but I couldn't stay one more second without talking to you. So..." she doesn't really know how to end the sentence, but luckily Bellamy gets it.

"Alright." He shrugs. What can he do? Yell her that he loves her and that he's been a mess without her?

"Is everything okay between us? I need- I need to know I didn't just lost my favorite person in the world." She lets her hand lay on Bellamy's arm, he doesn't gasp but, oh, he could swear he would have.

Instead, he looks away and sighs deeply.

She frowns. "Bellamy?"

"I just..." he says, his voice cold. "It really hurt, Clarke."

She partes her lips to say something, but he doesn't let her.

"I'm just saying...if you needed a moment, that's totally fine. But you could've let me know. I'm not saying come here, I'm not even saying call... but at least send a fucking text message so that I know that you don't hate me or I don't think about that night over and over trying to find out what I did wrong." He says more than he wanted to, but at this point it's no use stopping.

"I..." that's all Clarke mumbles for the first five seconds, then. "I'm sorry you thought that, I just... I told you, I needed to clear my mind, and you know how I not always manage things like you do... I think and rethink about it and...” she sighs. “but I should've texted you or let you at least know, you're right. I'm so sorry Bell."

The flashback of her calling him so that night while they were pressed against each other, lost between their moans and their breaths comes to his mind without warning.

"Please... I'm sorry I hurt you, that's the least I wanted." she says.

Bellamy nods and swallows heavily, so much that Clarke could swear his adam apple would get out of his throat. Then, he looks down at her with a soft smile on his lips, and after a heavy sigh he wraps his arms around her and lays his chin on her head. "I thought you didn't want to talk to me again."

"What?" she laughs a bit, her face against his chest and her arms around him. "How can you think that? You know that'd never happen."

Bellamy chews on his bottom lip for the whole hug and then, right after a few awkward smiles, they decide to prepare popcorns and watch a movie.

Although Bellamy didn't expect this outcome, the night goes on smooth except from some awkward moments where he'd taken the bowl of snacks out of her hand and their hands brushed for a millisecond. Bellamy knew Clarke didn't feel it, but he could swear he felt his body bursting into flames even for just a second.

Later, they're deciding the movie to watch, Bellamy surfing with the remote in his right hand and his glass of wine in his left one.

"So?"

"Mh?" Bellamy mumbles while looking through his saved series.

"You said that you would tell me how that happened!" she laughs. "How the hell did you get so wasted to text me in another language?"

"Oh." He laughs. "That's not-" he's interrupted by her phone ringing.

"Take that, don’t worry."

"Alright, let me just-" she picks up with a smile on her lips after seeing Raven's name on the phone. "Hey Rae." she smiles at Bell. "What's up?"

Bellamy turns his head to Clarke and raises an eyebrow, smiling lightly at whatever conversation they're having.

"Wait, wait..." Clarke says, frowning. "Let me put you on speaker." And she does it.

"I don't know, I don't know I just..." Raven's voice is cracked and excited at the same time. "I got this offer. This amazing offer and I would work with some of the best engineers of the country, and I would do what I love. But..." She sighs. "But it's in San Francisco..."

Bellamy raises his eyebrows and slightly widens his eyes, then immediately frowns and looks at Clarke. "What? You're moving to San Francisco?"

Raven's voice through the phone doesn't hesitate. "No! I just got this offer... I don’t know- I have- They told me to think about it, but I... I would never leave John. And you guys... there’s a lot to think about.”

Clarke smiles a bit. "I get it”

"It's just... well, I called you Clarke 'cause I know, I know you can understand me. You’re in the same position I am.”

Bellamy frowns. What? What does Raven mean?

Clarke tries to hide it but, as good as she is at it, Bellamy knows her better than anyone else. "Uhm... Raven, we- um, we need to go. We.." she clears her throat. She's panicking.

"What?" Bellamy looks at Clarke, his eyes sweeping over her face trying to find a glimpse of something. Whatever is going on in her head.

"Bellamy..."

"Oh my god." Raven's voice breaks in. "Oh my god, you haven't told him- oh god, I'm so sorry Clarke... I'm sorry, I didn't know it, I thought-"

"It's okay." And with this, Clarke ends the call.

After that, she just stares at Bellamy for a quite long amount of time.

What does it mean that Clarke can understand it?

Bellamy is the first one to break the silence.

"Clarke." His eyebrows are furrowed together. Clarke sees him slowly putting his glass of wine on the table again and turning his body towards her.

"What is she talking about?"

Clarke sighs heavily and looks up at the ceiling. She's not about to cry, but she does this like she's looking for the strength to say what she evidently now has to say.

"When I went to New York to my dad..."

Bellamy already knows he won't like what she's about to say. "No." he swallows. Clarke doesn't seem to stop at his word, so she just keeps saying, her voice a whisper. "He asked me to come back. To go live with him again. My mom died a lot of years ago, Bellamy, and there's a... a really great university in New York, and I could live with my dad, and study there, and-“ Her head slightly nods but her expression is dark. Sad. "I haven't decided yet but...“

"What?" Bellamy's voice is louder than he wanted to. He gets up and pulls his head back. "What? You're leaving?”

It occurs all of his strength not to say ‘You’re leaving _me_.’

"Bellamy-"

"What the-" he lets out a breathy laughter and shakes his head, incapable of believing what exactly she's telling him.

"I said I haven't made a decision yet," now, she's on her feet as well. "I need time. I told my dad I would've thought about it and that's why I have been so absent because... because I don't know what to do and-"

"Oh my god" Bellamy says. Then turns around and starts walking up and down the living room while he keeps shaking his head. "No. When were you thinking of telling me? That you could leave? Leave _forever_? Were you waiting the day before to tell me you’re moving? Are you being fucking serious right now?"

"Bellamy,” a long sigh before Clarke continues. “New York's not that far, and we could facetime, and-“

What Clarke’s saying doesn’t make any sense to Bellamy. It is just a couple of words mixed together with no sense. Is this really happening right now?

“Is this really happening right now?” that’s what Bellamy is able to say. His eyebrows furrowed together, his eyes slightly widened, his hands on his hips.

Clarke swallows. “Bellamy, I don’t wanna leave you... but-“ She wets her lips. A glimpse of something Bellamy can’t quite understand. “But... but I might have to. The offer is great, my dad needs me, and-” she trailed off.

Bellamy asks himself what she was about to say. 

Although, he can’t blame her.

How can he? If Aurora was still alive and she needed him, he wouldn’t say no. He couldn’t. But this doesn’t mean he’s not hurt right now, or mad at her for behaving normally.

“So...” he lets out a breathy laughter. A sad, stuffed breathy laughter as he lets his arms fall next to his body. “So it’s over.” He doesn’t quite know what he means with that. What is over?

Clarke sighs heavily and looks away, biting her bottom lip to keep the tears away. Then, she turns her head to him, her eyes evidently teary.

Then, with a whisper, she says. “I hope you’re still coming on Saturday night to the gala at the museum.”

Bellamy shakes his head slightly, and slowly. He takes a step back and swallows, his finger pointing to the door.

“Just get out.” 

Clarke partes her lips like she wants to say something, a wrinkle between her eyebrows making it impossible for Bellamy to read her expression like he’s used to do.

“Bell-“

“Good night, Clarke.”

And with his heart not quite beating anymore, or beating irregularly, he watches her leaving and closing the door behind her, and he can swear that’s the opposite of what she wants to do.

Bellamy stays there, still, looking at the door.

And wondering how on earth he let himself fall in love with his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: TW ADDICTION/ there’s a brief mention of drug addiction at the very beginning of the chapter. Be careful if this could be triggering for you.

When Bellamy and Octavia were little, and Aurora, their mom, was still alive, the three of them used to drive to the beach ever weekend. This happened when Bellamy was thirteen years old and Aurora still wasn’t struggling with her drug addiction yet, but Bellamy remembers it clearly: his mom finished her Saturday morning shift every week, and came home where two excited little Blakes were waiting with their bags packed and their eyes filled with joy. It was the happiest moment of the week for Bellamy and he waited for it with happiness. Somehow, the sea calmed him down; the sound of the waves, the fresh smell of the salt water flooding his nostrils, his eyes inspecting everywhere, from the tiniest grain of sand to the vastness of the ocean.While Octavia was running around, playing with her imaginary friends or building sand castles, always being her super active and joyful nine years old self, Bellamy just sat there in silence, observing the sea.

Other times, though, he would bring a book (usually one of his countless greek mythology books where he could read about his favorite gods and goddesses of the ancient Greece) and lay down by the shore, reading for hours and hours until Aurora told him it was time to go.

Still to this day, Bellamy loves the sea and he's lucky that he leaves in a place where the sea is easily accessed every time he wants, every time he feels lost or sad, or even just wants to enjoy the sea's lovely view and come back kid for an hour or two.And that's what he's doing now, as he sits on the sand and watches the calm sea bringing back memories that distract him from his mind. Although his incessant but helpless attempts of distracting himself he cannot help but feel miserable today. Lost. Clarke's words hit him like a train but what hurt him more aren't the words she had told him. It's the words she hadn't told him.

Since when they got so close and became best friends they used to tell each other everything, so when Bellamy got to know that Clarke was probably going to leave him and everyone and move to another state, from Raven...that hurt him, deeply. And what hurts even more is that he can't talk to her about it. She's the only person he can be open, vulnerable and himself with, the only person he's ever felt completely comfortable with and now he's about to lose all of this, if he hasn't already.

Bellamy’s thoughts end when two familiar voices walk closer to the shore.

"Here you fucking are! I knew it!"

"What? No, I did know it. I literally told you how to find him, Murphy." Octavia and Murphy's voices interrupt the peace Bellamy is so intensely trying to achieve.

"Whatever, what's important is that we found him." Murphy says as he goes to sit next to Bell.

"Bellamy... hey" Octavia says softly, reaching the free spot to his left and sitting on her knees. A look of softness and worry on his sister's face. "We've been so worried about you. Murphy told me you haven't slept and barely ate since the night you and Clarke talked."

Bellamy turns his head to Octavia and looks at her, a neutral expression on his face that doesn't let them see the pain he's so strongly trying to hide.

"What are you guys doing here..." Bellamy mumbles, turning his face back to the sea.

Octavia glances at Murphy, so he answers for the both of them. "Octavia told me you come here whenever you're feeling down... I know it's only been three days but you can't keep doing this to yourself, Blake. Everyone else is worried, too... you've been ghosting us. And even I, your roommate, have been avoided. You spoke to me more or less two times in the span of three days just to answer 'I'm not hungry' at my attempts to make you eat."

"So... again, why are you here?"

"Because we care about you, big brother. We love you, and seeing you like this.... It hurts us." Octavia admits. "Us all... even Clarke-"

"I don't care." he blurts our, more ready than he thought, at her name. “I'm not speaking to her. I don't want to see her... I don't want to hear from her. I just want to stay here. Leave me the fuck alone guys, I mean it... I need to be left alone."

Murphy moves his head a bit and looks at Octavia before talking, his voice going easy on Bellamy. "Okay. Alright, we get it. And we respect it, but Clarke... she's going crazy, man, she just wants you to return her calls."

Bellamy swallows, clenching his jaw at the sound of her name. Octavia must see it, as she insists.

"She's worried, Bell. And she just wants an occasion to talk to you, just one. Let her explain, you cannot not give her an occasion to..."

"Oh, really?" He lets out a sarcastic short laughter. "You mean not giving her an occasion to talk to me, making her worry even more? Like she did with me after we had sex, you mean? Right."

Octavia sees Bellamy shaking his head and, next to him, Murphy pouting is lips.

"I mean..." John starts. "He's not wrong."

Octavia snaps. "Murphy?! You're not helping me."

"Well, what can I say?! She's been a bastard." he admits.

"Okay, enough." Octavia stands up and rubs her jeans, trying to clean her clothes from the sand. "I need to speak to you, Bellamy. And alone. C'mon, let's go." And she holds her hand for Bellamy to grab it.

"I told you, Octavia, I don't care. I don't wanna talk."

"Bellamy fucking Blake. Get up, NOW."

Bellamy looks up at his sister, an expression he's seen before on her face. For a moment, he thinks there's more. There's something about Octavia being so insisting, nervous even. Something he can't quite decipher, but that's enough to make him get up while heaving a sigh.

"C'mon." Octavia takes his hand and quite quickly walks with her brother away from Murphy, closer to the shore.

"Alright!" they hear Murphy groaning. "Guess I'll wait you guys here!"

"What the fuck is your problem?" The big Blake mumbles while letting her hand go and cleaning his own clothes, letting the sand fall off them once they're far enough.

Octavia doesn't answer, she just takes her shoes off and throws them away, then starts walking down the shore and motions Bellamy to follow her. For a while, they just walk slowly, looking down at their feet in the water, or away, at the sea, not saying a word.

Bellamy is indecisive on asking her what's going on but he doesn't, and instead, he just keeps walking alongside his sister, the water spashing their feet every time the waves go back to the shore being the only thing hearable.

The first one to break in the silence is Octavia.

"Remember when we used to do this every Sat?" she says, her eyes fixed on her feet.

Bellamy arches the corner of his lip and nods slightly, all of that followed by a sigh. "You never stopped running around. Mom and I, we had to carry you to the car while you screamed crying and promise you we would have come back the week later. That was the only way to make you shut up.”

"Yeah" she laughs. “I loved it here.”

He nods.

"While you were always calm here. Quiet." Octavia continues, bringing her gaze to him. "Is that why you always come back here when you have an occasion to?

He shrugs. "It is calm here. And I like it. I always feel better when I'm here."

"And now? Do you feel better now?"

Bellamy blinks a couple of times, chewing on his bottom lip for longer than he would want to. Then, he shakes his head, not saying a word.

"Bellamy..."

"It's just-" He stops walking and turns to face his sister. "I just really don't know how to go past this thing. All of this."

"I told you. Just give her an occasion to talk to you, Bell. I know she has fucked up in various ways, but she's your person. And you're hers. You two need to talk. And I don't mean a two seconds long talk that ends with unsaid bullshit. I mean a Bellamy and Clarke talk."

Bellamy can't help but laugh. "A what?"

"You know what I mean. I mean TALK, yell at each other if necessary, tell each other the truth for god's sake and just... leave it be. Sometimes it's better." She teases.

Wait a second. "Wait, wait. What? What truth?"

"I meant it generally...don't take everything I say too literally, god you're such a nerd."

"Octavia?" Bellamy frowns, looking at Octavia who's now crossing her arms in front of her chest and biting her bottom lip.

"Stop it, Bellamy. I won't tell you anything, I hope you know it. She's my best friend."

"Aha! So there IS something to tell me?"

"Yes you dumbass, and I'm not allowed to tell you, obviously... so that's why you need to give her a chance to talk and explain herself. At least that. She deserves that, Bellamy."

It's not like Octavia is wrong anyway. Clarke has always been there for Bellamy in any way, in any situation. Even when Harper and Octavia had this car incident and Octavia stayed at the hospital for three weeks and broke her leg. Clarke had divided herself between Octavia and Bellamy. She had stayed by his side any second, even slept at his place and cooked for him since he refused to take care of himself to take care of O. She'd held his hand while Octavia was in surgery and let him sleep on her shoulder in the waiting room, even tried to make him calm down when the doctors didn't want to let him in because the visiting hour hadn't begun yet, by making him punch several pillows.

"Aren't you mad at her for leaving?" Bellamy whispers.

"She's not leaving. She's just considering it. It's different, she hasn't decided yet and she won't until she'll speak to you, and you know it. Even if that means missing her flight..." Octavia tilts her head to the side and hints a soft smile. "You should go to the Gala Night tomorrow night. After all it’s your thing and you promised her.”

Bellamy sighs, looking away, actually considering it for the first time in a few days. 

“Think about it, yeah?"

For some reason, Bellamy isn't as mad as he thought this conversation would have made him. Rather, he's curious, and worried by Octavia's words. What if Clarke has a valid reason to make such an important decision? What if her dad is sick and that's why she has to leave? What if there's a serious reason she wanted to talk Bellamy about and instead of giving her an occasion to he blurted out she had to go away? That would make him a monster, Bellamy thinks. But he knows Octavia is loyal to her best friend and she wouldn't say anything, and that's why he doesn't insist. And that’s, also, why his mind slowly changes. 

"I dont't know if I can see her right now, though."

"Trust me. You don't wanna regret this later." The little Blake smiles at him and places her hand on his shoulder. "I'll send you the location of the museum. Good luck, big brother."

* * *

The museum is huge. As soon as Bellamy steps out of his car he can clearly see the elegance of the building, and he asks himself if he should have picked a more elegant and chic look than a white flannel, but that he's never been great at picking his looks is not a secret to anyone. 

As soon as he walks through the door, Bellamy's eyes widen as such grace. The inside is even bigger and larger than what the outside of the building had promised, with tall columns covered in lights and Bellamy was sure that, if Clarke had been there, she would've told him how beautiful they looked, but also how dumb it was to put lights on them because the beauty of those sculptures made them shine on their own.The walls are covered with paintings of every kind, archaic sculptures here and there catch Bellamy's eyes, especially when he recognizes Zeus' one, elevating at the center of the large hall in all his magnificence.Long tables full of artsy buffets make Bellamy's stomach turn inward, thinking about how often he'd told her buffets were his favorite part of coming to these nights with her.

If only she had known that his favorite part was _her_.

He hasn't told Clarke anything.

After his conversation with Octavia, he's had some thinking to do, but after hearing her words it wasn't a secret he would've said yes. Still, he hasn't felt like texting Clarke. After their fight, after the words they'd said to each other, he felt like sending her an "Hey, I'm coming to the gala tonight. Do I pick you up at 7pm?" was definitely not something he'd do. Acting normal? No. They needed to at least talk. Or, anyway, spend a night together before her deciding to go forever. So, he decided to surprise her there. Partly, because he feels like he needed to apologize to her for at least denying her the benefit of the doubt. But deeply, because he wants to see her face and her so familiar smile again, hug her closer and forget about the fact that he might lose her forever even just for a second.

What Bellamy doesn't expect though, it's this.

"Aha, Blake! We knew you would've come." a too familiar voice coming from behind him approaches him, and he doesn't need to turn around to know Raven is standing behind him. But he does turn around, and when he does, he hates himself for being surprised at the sight of her and Murphy holding their hands, and smiling wide at him.

"You own me 10 dollars." she then says to her boyfriend, and Murphy lets out a groan.

"I didn't think I would've said it, but I'm glad I lost." Murphy then says, and taps Bellamy's shoulder. "I'm glad you came."

"So does one of you two want to explain what you're doing here or do we want to pretend this is normal? Did you two bet on me?" Bellamy crosses his arms in front of his chest and raises an eyebrow.

"Bet on you coming or not, yes." Murphy corrects him.

Bellamy frowns and Raven is the one who explains. "As if you don't know your sister enough."

Realization hits him and he narrows his eyes at them for a second. "She sent you two here? To... spy on me?"

"If you say it like this you make it sound weird and creepy." Murphy blurts out.

"It is weird and creepy!” Bellamy groans.

"Shh! We're at a gala!" Raven says, and pulls him a bit to the side of the room, close to the paintings. "Look, Octavia asked us to make sure you'd come. Now that you did, and we know it, we might as well just go home. We're not interested in spying you confessing your feelings or whatever, don't worry."

"Yep. But not before tasting those delicious cupcakes that look like mine. I bet mine are way better." Murphy says proudly, nudging Raven's hip.

And she laughs, nodding at him. "Bet yours are better, babe."

Bellamy rolls his eyes. "Sociopaths."

"Stop it, Blake. And save that energy to confess your feelings to you know who. Good luck!" Raven smiles at him, but before he can reply back she's gone, pulled by Murphy to the desserts' table.

Bellamy sighs heavily at the thought of meeting Clarke, of seeing her again, and the more his mind tries to think about one of the many possible scenarios he can't help but think about the worst one. Clarke not forgiving him and, as if that isn't enough, deciding to leave him.

Is that how their friendship would've ended?

He cannot let his mind win this time, so he looks for all the courage he has left and puts a brave face on, sweeping his eyes over the elegant people surrounding him, trying to find his own. When he sees her walking through the door, his breath hitches. She's wearing a long baby blue dress that makes her eyes shine through the whole room, hell, the whole museum. He could swear that the art surrounding them is trash compared to her. Her hair is loose, and wavy, defining her sweet face features in a perfect way.

He swallows heavily, sure that all he feels right now is not only lust. She's beautiful, hell, she looks hot as fuck, he’d say if he was reasoning with the mind of a person who fucked her in a stall; and that, he can't deny, but there's a reason why he's in love with her and that's why he barely notices her curves being gently caressed by her tight blue dress when his eyes land on hers, wandering between the people. When he sees she's alone, his heart aches a bit. Not that he expected her not to be, and if she had not been, if she had brought someone else, he probably would've died there on spot from the heartbreak, considering he always came with her and it was sorta their thing. But, at the same time, he couldn't have blamed her after he yelled at her to get out of his house with such a rage he still had been surprised by himself, too. Still, he feels bad for abandoning her.

"Go to her, Blake, the fuck are you waiting for."

He startles for a second before sighing. "Shut up, Murphy. Why are you still here?” he looks at him.

"My girlfriend and I here are going to find an isolated spot to have some fun.” he smirks. “Call if you need."

He pulls a face, before hearing Raven giggling while walking with Murphy hand in hand far from the crowd and entering the restrooms. 

He wants what they have.

He so much wants what they have. And he'd lie if he said he hadn't had an opportunity to have it, with Gina. But when he thinks about true love, the one his friends share, there's only one person that comes to his mind and he's not going to ignore this, no matter how much he'd like to.

As he walks towards her, confident on his decision to apologize, he can feel his heart beating frantically against his chest and, when Clarke turns her face to him and relaxes her forehead, recognizing him, he realizes the reason his heart is about to explode is not the anxiety of the moment. It's her. She stares at him, still, and partes her lips to say something but it doesn't seem to work, as she stays quiet, examining his expression.

"Hey." he mumbles.

She blinks through her mascara, not a trace of a recognizable expression on her face which makes Bellamy go furious.

"You came." she finally says.

"Yeah." his tone normal, calm, even. "I could not miss it. Leave you alone."

She hints a smile that soon goes away, leaving its place to a resented expression.

"Bellamy... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you about-"

"No." he shakes his head. "I am sorry. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I shouldn't have-" he swallows. "You probably were looking for a good moment to talk about it and I ruined it. I shouldn’t have reacted that way.. I was just-“ he sighs. “I was really shaken by the news and as I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that you might leave I just... lost it. But I didn't want to say those things."

Clarke misses breath and she feels her heart missing a beat, too, at the same time, before exhaling. "It's okay." she reassures him. "It was- is, a big news to swallow. And I should've talked to you about it before anyway, hearing it from Raven surely did not make things better."

"Yeah..."

"I was scared." she admits. "Of your reaction. Scared that you might have told me we weren't friends anymore."

Bellamy's heart cracks a bit at the realization that he did exactly what she was afraid of. He shakes his head trying to say something that could make sense but all he wants to tell her now is out of question.

"That could never happen..."

She smiles weakly at him, then looks down shyly at herself. "We've been fighting too much in these past weeks..." she lifts her gaze, fixing it on him again. “And I really... _really_ hate this. I don't want this for us. I'm sorry about everything, can we please just- go back to where we were?"

And here it's where Bellamy knows what she means. " _Where we were_." he thinks. " _Where we were before having sex_."

"Sure." he lies, forcing a smile on his lips. "That's all I want, too."

She smiles at him, not too much, as he had expected her to, but it's enough for now.

"And about the flight, I-"

"No." he interrupts her, shaking his head. He’s changed his mind. They can talk later, but now, now he wants to enjoy the night with the person he loves. "Tonight... it's just for us. You. And your favorite art." he smiles, reaching for her hand. "We'll talk about this tomorrow."

She blinks a few times but soon nods at him, sure herself of that being the best option they have.

"I really want to taste those cupcakes.” that’s how he breaks the tension between them. “Please, don't make me go alone." he offers his arm, and she smiles a little too much before hooking her hand in his arm and walking with him.

"You're gonna love them."

He missed her, and the night actually proceeds pretty well. He in fact is amazed that things actually could go well even after having sex and making it awkward between them. Even if, those times where they stare at each other for a little bit too long, or when they touch each other and they both feel like blushing, or when he gets a bit too close and hears her exhaling, he wonders if this happened even before. Before _that_. Though he knows the answer, he's too scared too say it out loud in his own brain and having to face the right and fair conclusions of it.

He hasn’t forgotten what Octavia had told him. She had talked to him about ‘something’ and hell it he was curious, but things aren’t steady between them yet, so he prefers not adding fuel to the fire. 

After eating, Clarke introduces him to some of the modern artist she knows and admires, and Bellamy shakes too many hands and fakes too many polite smiles while his head is still stuck somewhere else. And maybe this is the reason why, when Clarke, sat right next to him by one of the buffett tables asks him a question, he doesn't hear her.

"Bell!" she hits his arm and he frowns instantly.

"Uh?" he turns his face to her with a wrinkle between his eyebrows. "What?"

"I said your name like... six times." she giggles a bit.

"Woah. Sorry." he joins her in laughter, not to give it too much weight. "I zoomed out I guess. What is it?"

"There's the music."

He furrows his eyebrows together, uncertain of what she exactly means. "Okay?" he laughs. "There's been music the whole night, Clarke. Or am I actually going crazy?" he smirks. 

She laughs. "Yeah! I was just saying..." she bites her bottom lip then takes his hand. "Do you wanna dance?"

And only then he realizes what is playing now is a slow dance. And many couples have already brought themselves to the center of the room and are slow dancing together, sweet and awkward smiles here and there.

"Um." he laughs as she basically forces him to get up and he takes her hand in his to pull her back. "No. You know I don't dance."

"And you know I never really cared. C'mon, Blake, don't be an asshole."

She pulls him to the dance floor and pulls him closer to herself. "I bet you got some sweet moves in that body."

"Stop." he laughs. "That sounded dirty." he smirks.

"Well, considering I already had sex with you I think I am allowed to say it. And confirm it. You do have some good moves in that body. So now let's see if you can use them to dance, will you?"

He raises an eyebrow looking down at her, and asks himself _when_ exactly they started being so casual about their experience in the restroom. Or when they started even just talking about it in the first place. But, he can't say he minds it, after all, he's the king of casual hook ups and nonchalance when it comes to sex isn't something he lacks on, so, he gives up with a grin on his lips.

"Alright. Copy that." he places his left hand on her spine and pulls her closer, then slowly locks their fingers together with his right hand and raises an eyebrow. "Ready?"

"Born ready." she smiles up at him, and softly places her palm on his shoulder. "But wait-"

"Uhm?"

"Just let me-" she let's go off his hand and instead wraps her arms around his neck, taking some steps even closer to him and pressing her body against him.

"That's better."

"Oh." he nods slowly before clearing his throat. “Alright." he swallows a little bit, before placing his hands on her hips and pulling her to him. He starts dancing, guiding Clarke at the rhythm of the slow music.

There are a few minutes where they don't talk, they just stare at each other and smile, or awkwardly hide their laughs when they see some couple even worse than them at dancing. (which is hard to be.) Then, she gets closer to him and slowly lays her head on his shoulder.

Bellamy looks up for a second, and prays to whatever god, if there even is one, that she won't hear his heart is beating against his chest right now. He would have a really hard time trying to explain the reason. 

"This feels nice." she whispers against his neck.

A shiver runs down Bellamy's spine. "Yeah." he barely nods, trying to limitate his movements not to scare her away but also trying to keep up with the rhythm of the music he now barely hears anymore. "It is."

It hurts being his friend. But, as he said to Murphy, not being her friend would hurt even more. He's not sure what they're experiencing how is "being just friends", but he thinks he can fight to make himself think it's enough. If not for her, at least not to lose her.

"I missed this."

He lifts the corner of his lip at her confession, hinting a very soft smile coming from his chest, from his heart, suggesting him he's totally, completely gone for this girl.

"I missed us." he whispers back, and she tightens the grip of her arms around him.

”Never ghost me again Bellamy Blake.”

He lets out a breathy laughter. “Don’t worry. You’re a pain in the ass, but not talking to you sucks.”

She smiles proudly and shrugs her shoulders. “Thanks.”

He rolls his eyes and he’s sure his shoulders release some of the tension he’s felts through the night.

It’s nice, talking like always, acting like always, and he’s just got his thoughts in order when Clarke slowly pulls away and as he turns his head to her at the same time, his mouth brushes hers, and they stop, frozen, eyes closed and one held by the other, their mouth too close to pull away but too far to _do it_ yet.

Clarke blinks her eyes open and looks at him but doesn’t seem to pull away, instead she’s searching for his gaze and a who knows what in his eyes that gives her the idea of what the hell is going on right now. But he's sure that all she can see now is panic, and, love, so much love that he cannot keep inside him anymore. And if he was maybe a little bit of a coward he would stop, he really would, but he’s not, he damn well isn’t, so he looks down at their lips and instinctively places his soft palm on her cheek, ready to lean in the kiss and complete it because shit if that's not what he's been desiring since they left the pub days ago.

When their lips touch, his worst fear, Clarke pulling away, fades away because she gives in the kiss pretty quickly and tilts her chin up, to return it in the same sweet and tender way his lips are moving against hers. Then, right when he thinks he made it and that Clarke _actually_ wants it, and wants him, she pulls away and exhales, grabbing his wrist to take his hand off her own cheek. A trace of fear in her eyes that sweep along his face and ask him silently "What the hell, Bellamy."

She doesn't say it, but he knows she would and so he takes his hand off her cheek and curses himself quietly.

Instead, she swallows. “I’m sorry...” 

He sees her shaking her head before turning around and running away from the hall, leaving him on the dance floor and this... this, although he's had a fair amount of heartbreaks during his life time, and an unusual big amount just in the few past days, all by her...he can feel it: this, is the moment his heart cracks.

____________  
  


Raven hears crying and that's why she pulls away from the kiss and frowns, Murphy asking her if everything is okay before hearing it, too.

"Is that?" she whispers, but she doesn't have to ask because she relaxes her forehead and blinks a few times, realizing not too many stalls next to them there is Clarke crying her heart out.

"For fuck's wake." she mumbles as they wear their clothes again.

When Murphy is gone and Raven is fully back in her dress, she sighs heavily before knocking on the door.

Clarke stops crying, and blinks several times at the immediate fear. It fades away though, when she heard Raven's reassuring voice.

"Hey...I'm here, okay?"

Clarke sniffs and grabs some clean tissues, dries her tears away as if Raven hasn't heard her sobbing the entire time.

"Come in."

She tries to look cool when the friend joins her in the stall, but her red eyes and cheeks betray her quickly, pity in Raven's eyes make Clarke's stomach curl inward.

"Did Bellamy do something to you?"

She let's out a breathy laughter, as if the mere possibility of Bellamy doing something to make her cry is already stupid in itself.

But when Clarke doesn't answer Raven sighs and nods slowly, understanding.

"It's okay." she says. "Let it all out."

This causes another tear to roll down Clarke's cheek and hell if she hates herself for appearing so vulnerable in front of someone.

"Raven."

Raven frowns, but stays quiet.

"I am not leaving because I wanna leave."

Raven frowns more now, and tilts her head to to the side in confusion.

"It's okay, you don't have to explain t-"

"I don't want to leave. I don't want to go study there. And my dad definitely hasn't called me to say he needs me. That was all a lie. God... a fucking lie. I'm a coward. Stupid, fucking stupid."

"Hey hey hey... what? Why? Why would you lie about that?"

"Because I need to go away from here!" Clarke blurts out, louder than she had wanted to but oh well not her fault she's an emotions mess right now.

"What?" Raven mumbles, expecting the worse.

Clarke lifts her gaze to fix it on Raven's eyes, now much softer and relaxed eyes that are though probably asking for help. Clarke doesn't let anyone see her like this, which suggests Raven that there must be a reason if she is now.

Clarke lets out a heavy sigh, avoiding her eyes again.

"I'm in love with him, Raven."

Clarke looks back at her, shrugging her shoulders and sniffing. "I'm totally in love with Bellamy, and I'm screwed up." she admits. "I fell in love with my best friend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been my favorite to write so far, hope you liked it too! See you next week x


	4. Chapter 4

_# three weeks before #_

_Clarke sighed and leaned back against her uncomfortable chair, her fingertips tapping on the table frantically._

_Octavia was late._

_And Clarke had specifically told her to come «asap»._

_She leaned forward and grabbed her cup, taking the twentieth sip in a minute, nervously sweeping her eyes over the cafeteria._

_It was mostly quiet, and although she liked quiet pla_ ces, she hated that it was now. _That gave her too much time to think about her stuff instead._

_When a brunette walked through the door, in a hurry and particularly nervous herself, Clarke held her hand up and motioned Octavia to join her._

" _So," the friend begun, sitting down on the chair across from her. "Are you alright?"_

_"I am certainly not, otherwise I wouldn't have used an S.O.S." Clarke spat._

_"That's for fucking emergencies, Clarke." Octavia said, controlling her breath after an evident run._

_"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I know. I didn't want to scare you, okay? I just need to tell you something."_

" _Oh, fuck" Octavia dropped the cookie she was about to eat. "Are you pregnant?" she whispered._

_"What? No!" Clarke laughed. "What? Why would I- No." she shook her head. "No it's- it's about Bellamy."_

_Octavia's expression slowly changed. "My brother?"_

_"Didn't know you know other Bellamy 's"_

_"So what about him?"_

_Clarke bit her bottom lip. She sighed heavily and her fingers still hadn't stopped fidgeting. Not even for a second._

_Octavia must have seen it, as she leaned forward and placed her hands on Clarke's._

_"Hey, you know I won't tell him, whatever that is. I can keep secrets."_

_"I know you can." she nodded._

_Octavia smiled very genuinely at her, and Clarke did not feel like lying to her like she at first was starting to think of doing when panic took over. The idea formed in her mind, yes, but she kicked it away a few seconds later. She was not a coward._

_"I thinks I have feelings for him." she said. Her voice trembled a bit at the end of the sentence, but she managed to remain cold and firm on her words._

_Octavia widened her eyes. "B-Bellamy? For Bellamy?"_

_"As I said, I don't know any other Bellamy, do you?" Clarke took her hands away from underneath Octavia's and crosses her arms in front of her chest._

_"I'm— yes, no, I don't... I just—"_

_But before Octavia could say anything else, before she could tell her whatever she was about to, Clarke talked._

_"And I'm leaving."_

_Octavia furrowed her eyebrows together, her voice expressing her confusion. "Excuse me?"_

_"I'm leaving. I'm moving, to my dad."_

_"But- your dad lives in-"_

_"I know where he lives. I was offered a place in one of the greatest universities of the city... That could be great."_

_"Are you— are you playing with me right now?"_

_"Why would I do that..."_

_"Is it for Bellamy?" Octavia asked, her eyes sweeping over Clarke's face._

_Clarke answered with a long silence._

_"Oh my god," Octavia widened her eyes again. "Are you leaving for him!?"_

_"I am not! I was offered this place even before I realized I have feelings for him, I swear! It's been a thing for a while now," Clarke said, taking her cup. "But I never really considered it until now. That's why I haven't said anything. But now..." she trailed off, chewing on her bottom lip. "I mean, I can't keep seeing him every day, Octavia. Knowing how I feel, and keep calling him my best friend. He's not just my best friend. He'll never be just my best friend. I can't keep acting like I'm okay with that, like if I— if I only love him like a friend."_

_Octavia sucked in a breath. "Have you-" she said quietly, "have you tried talking to him before taking any decision? Why are you jumping to conclusions so fast-"_

_"Please... please, don't tell me you think he feels anything similar to what I do feel."_

_Octavia stayed silent._

_"Octavia?"_

_"I don't know. And you don't either. But you know how you could find out? Fucking talking to him. Moving to the other side of the country is the stupidest idea I've ever-"_

_"I'm not running away from him, okay? That.. it just is a consequence. It just happens to be a great opportunity and Bellamy was a big part of why I previously decided to stay here. But now..." Clarke let out a sigh. "It's becoming harder and harder to spend time with him and pretending. So maybe... I just should go."_

_Octavia crossed her arms in front of her chest. "And do you expect me to tell him that his best friend is leaving for another city?"_

_"No," Clarke said, shaking her head. "I would never. I'll tell him."_

_"When? Jasper's birthday is in a while, you could—"_

_"No," Clarke blurted out. "I'll find the right moment, don't worry about that."_

_"You'll break his heart." Octavia said, shaking her head. "I hope you know that. You're his best friend. He loves you."_

_Clarke shook her head, glancing at her coffee. "Not the way I love him."_

_Octavia parted her lips, opening her mouth in an attempt to say something. But right when she was about to, she closed it again._

_The words stayed there, in her throat, unspoken._

_And Clarke didn't find the courage in herself to ask her to let them out._

* * *

**_five years ago_ **

_"No, Octavia, I don't know how many times I have to tell you. I don't care." Bellamy mumbled while taking a cup out of the cupboard._

_"But why not?"_

_"Because— it's stupid?" Bellamy raised an eyebrow. "You're literally asking me to pretend to be one of your friend's boyfriend for a night and— again, why?"_

_"Because there's this party we really want to go to. And it's like— you know, so fancy or whatever, so it's actually very exclusive BUT! they said tonight there's a special night for couples. Any couple who gets in will get free ticket for the dancing floor and two free drinks each."_

_"Okay, and?"_

_"And?! And we need that. Jasper is pretending to be mine, but she's new in town and has no friends apart from me Jasper and Monty. So it could be really cute if you could, you know, actually help me for once."_

_"Oh, for once, uh?"_

_"You know what I meant." Octavia crossed her arms in front of her chest._

_Bellamy let out a sigh and poured coffee into his cup. Then, he walked to the fridge and pulled it open. "Why can't Monty do it?"_

_"He's got the flu. Harper has been sick for a whole week and he wouldn't leave her alone so he ended up sick, too, of-fucking-course." Octavia blurted out. "Please, big brother?"_

_Bellamy looked up at the ceiling and sighed heavily. He could have spent his Saturday night in a billion ways and that was surely not on the list. "I can't leave Murphy out there alone."_

_"Alone?" Octavia snorted. "I think him and the others won't die if you for once bail them. Jesus, Bellamy, I'm asking you just one thing!"_

_"I don't even know her!" Bellamy spat out, leaning backwards against the counter kitchen. He sips on his coffee while looking at his sister._

_"Okay, not a problem. I'm gonna give you every general information you need about her."_

_"I don't... really care." Bellamy smiled, swallowing his coffee._

_But then, Octavia blinked through her eyelashes, and Bellamy eventually gave in._

_"God," he groaned. "Fine! I'll do it!"_

_"Yay!" Octavia shrieked happily. "Okay, then listen out," she hopped on the table and sat down on it, looking at her brother with a big smile on her lips. "Her name's Clarke. She's an artist, or at least she aspires to be one. She's just turned nineteen, she's not from here but has moved like— three weeks ago, I think? And she's just looking for new friends, so be nice to her, please."_

_He frowned. "Am I ever not nice?"_

_Octavia narrowed her eyes at him and gave him a look which made him roll his eyes. "Okay, god, fine. Whatever the hell you want."_

_"Great." she grinned. "Go choose your outfit. Party's at 9. Sharp."_

* * *

**_now_ **

The people around him are a little too many. He didn't notice it back then when he arrived — he was too anxious about seeing Clarke again — but there are so many fucking people in there.

As he makes his way to the hallway, completely unaware of where even the toilets are, Bellamy sees too many unfamiliar faces reminding him only of the face he'd really like to see right now. He has no idea what happened, even though — judging on the previous events — he could guess; still, seeing her reacting like that to the kiss... it just doesn't add up.

Eventually, he stops a random man walking from his opposite direction. He's suited up in an elegant black smoking with a too big and vulgar red papillon right above his small pocket on the chest.

"Hi. I'm— I'm sorry," he asks, trying to get his own breath back from the run. "Do you know where the toilets are?"

The man gives him a polite smile. "Sure, next door on the left." he says, pointing to the hallway in front of him.

Bellamy thanks him and makes his way to the toilets. A million questions on his mind, as sweat starts pouring down his forehead, but the most important is the one that makes his heart ache the most: is Clarke okay? That's all that matters.

Eventually, Bellamy catches the sighs that indicate him the toilets are right on his left. And so he takes a deep sigh. But right before he's about to walk inside, a familiar face pulls the door open and walks out of the restroom.

"I'm sorry, sorry," Bellamy says, making himself space over him, lot even recognizing him.

"Be-" Murphy frowns and grabs his forearm. "Blake? Hey."

Bellamy spins his head around. His thoughts filling his head and confusing him at the point he didn't even recognize him. "Murphy..." he exclaims with a quiet tone. "Hey, is— is she-"

"It's okay, Bellamy. It's okay." he reassures him.

"So she's inside?" Bellamy asks. His heart hitting his chest hard.

"Yeah," Murphy nods, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Raven's with her, she's not alone."

"Is she alright?"

Murphy doesn't answer.

"Murphy, I asked you a fucking a question."

"Bellamy, maybe we should just—"

"You can stay at my place tonight, and we're gonna— Oh." Raven trials off. And Bellamy notices the little but significant change of tone in that "Oh."

Next to her, Clarke. She's swollen red eyes, it's evident she's cried even for someone who doesn't know her like he does. She's looking at him now, and Bellamy doesn't know if to feel embarrassed or worried. But he's both.

"Uhm—" Raven looks at Clarke, like if she's asking her what she should do. If she should leave her with Bellamy, if Clarke wants her to.

But at Clarke's slight nod, Raven exchanges a look with Murphy and they slowly make their way past him to the exit. Raven pats Bellamy's shoulder on her way out, and that sends him into yet another heavy spiral of thoughts and worries.

Bellamy knows this cannot end well. He's tried, and tried, and tried, all over again. Tried to push his feelings away for the sake of their friendship, try to make her feel comfortable, put her and her feelings first even when he was the one sitting on the bed, drunk as fuck with the phone in his hands waiting for a text message.

He's never done anything, anything, without being sure she wanted it too first.

So as that day at the pub, when he'd kissed her and things had gotten a little bit out of hand, and so as tonight, when he decided to kiss her again. Because her eyes have looked at him in a way that he could not ignore, in a way she'd never looked at him before, and that tiny bit of hope he'd always carried with himself had slowly started to become real.

So what now? What did he do wrong?

"Hey..." Clarke murmurs to him.

"I'm going," he says, holding his hands in surrender. "I don't want you to feel like that again. I'm sorry if I kissed you. I totally got it wrong, and I totally fucked up again. I just hope you know I love you and it's okay. I'm going home now, okay?"

"No—" Clarke blurts out, grabbing his forearm.

A lump forms on his throat at the feeling of her hand around his arm.

"I'm the one who should apologize, Bellamy." her voice is soft on him, he can hear it. He can feel it.

Only then she lets go off his arm and he tries not to feel the loss of her touch too much.

"For what?" he asks. "You didn't do anything. You're just— you have every right to be uncomfortable, and feel whatever you're feeling right now, okay?"

Clarke slowly frowns. Bellamy sees her tilting her head to the side, confusion wandering on her face. "Uncomfortable?"

"Yeah?" he shrugs. "I just— I just really want you to know I only want you to be happy."

Clarke looks away, and Bellamy nods to himself. He cannot read her expression like he usually can, which makes his blood boil — not with rage — but with nervousness. She once was a transparent mirror for him.

"I'm going home," she says, eyes on him again. "I'm gonna sleep at Raven's tonight."

He barely nods. "Okay."

"You know where to find me." he then mumbles, uncertain if to smile at her.

But as her lips arch in a soft smile for him, he returns it.

These — he thinks — these are the small gestures that make his head pound hard for this girl.

"I do, yeah." she says. Only then, Bellamy noticed she leans forward. She wraps her arms around him, pulling him down in a hug that surprises the both of them.

Hugs aren't unusual in their friendship — have never been — but things did shift lately. Bellamy doesn't know where they stand, and especially after tonight, he did not expect an hug.

"Thank you," she whispers against his ear. "Thank you for coming here tonight."

Bellamy swallows, urged by so much love he does expect his chest to explode. "You don't have to thank me for that."

"I so do," Clarke says, caressing his dark curls. "I hope you know that I'm thankful for everything, Bellamy. For our friendship."

He frowns. It's weird. So weird he pulls away, not letting her protest against it.

"Why are you saying this, Clarke?"

"Because I am"

"What's this?"

"This- what?"

"Don't act stupid," Bellamy shakes his head. "What are you doing? Why are you saying all of this?"

"Because it's the truth."

And even if she just reassured him, Bellamy's eyes darken. "You haven't changed your mind, have you? About going, about leaving. You haven't, haven't you?"

Bellamy clenches his fists when he sees Clarke's expression softening. She gives him a weak smile. "I love you, Bell. Okay?" she gets on her tiptoes, kissing his cheek with a soft smacker.

When he hears the door getting opened, and Clarke closing it behind her, he feels a weird feeling in his low gut.

I love you, Bell. Okay?

Could those words mean what he's always hoped to hear?

* * *

**_five years ago_ **

_Bellamy and Octavia arrived there earlier._

_There weren't as many people as he'd expected to be, but the place was still very crowded. They made them wait at the end of a very long queue, outside of the pub. Bellamy could heat the sound of the music even from outside, half drunk people or — worse — half high people walking out of the pub and throwing up on the sidewalks or sitting down to let their lungs get some fresh air._

_"So much for elegant night." Bellamy spat._

_Octavia muffled a laughter and nudged his hip with her elbow but she wasn't looking at him. She was texting someone._

_"Are they coming?" he asked._

_Octavia looked up at him with a smile on her lips, and quickly shoved her phone inside her pocket. "Actually, " she begun, staring at someone behind him. "They're right here."_

_As Bellamy turned around, he found a familiar figure in front of him. Next to him, a beautiful woman. Jasper tapped Bellamy's shoulder, letting out an excited "Blake" and then smiled at Octavia._

_"You look great tonight... girlfriend."_

_Octavia laughed. "You too, boyfriend."_

_The woman smiled at her friends before looking at Bellamy. He could've sworn her cheeks went to flame when she caught him looking at her already._

_"You must be Clarke." he said, smiling and holding his hand in front of her._

_"And you must be Bellamy." Clarke begun, shaking his hand in a way tighter way he'd expected. "I've heard a lot about you."_

_"You have, haven't you?"_

_Clarke let out brief laugh. "I needed to have my ideas about my boyfriend."_

_Bellamy snorted. "Aha... I can't say you're wrong about that." he offered her his arm. "Want to go?"_

_"I prefer holding hands." she said, smiling at him._

_A beautiful smile._

_Only then, as she stepped closer to him, right in the light, he saw._

_Her eyes were blue like the sky._

* * *

**_now_ **

Days passed.

And then weeks passed, too.

And before Bellamy knew, he'd spent the longest time ever without seeing nor hearing from Clarke.

After the night at the museum he knew she needed them; whatever had happened, whatever had triggered her that much, she needed time. Time without him, possibile. Time to figure out her shit and as much as he wanted to be there for her, she'd been clear.

Well, she hadn't, but her actions had been.

Bellamy spent his days like always. He went to his classes, and worked until late most of the week days. He came home to his roommate, hit his door with a kick when all he could hear were moans, and then went to take a long shower.

He'd started showering more often, because in the shower it was the only time of the day where he could really think. And be himself.

He never let Murphy talk to him about the subject, and when he tried to, he stopped him right at the beginning so, eventually, he stopped trying.

One night, he saw him getting ready in his bedroom. Bellamy walked over and leaned against the doorframe, watching his roommatebe oddly too picky at his outfit.

"Is it an important night?"

Murphy startled. Only then he turned to look at him and sighed. "Kinda." Murphy said, sweeping his eyes between two flannels on the bed.

"What's happening?"

"Nothing important. We're all going to drink something. Are you coming?"

Bellamy considered it. He narrowed his eyes at nothing in particular and then shrugged his shoulders.

"I have an assignment to give in."

"No," Murphy shook his head. "No you don't."

Three weeks later, and still no sign from Clarke, he kind of got used to his new routine. He didn't want to ignore her, but he was determined to give her as much time as she needed, and he was convinced she would've reached out to him as soon as she would be ready.

But the more she didn't, the more his hopes crashed to the ground.

One day, he decides to meet Raven.

"I think we can all agree that this is not going to happen."

"But why not?" Bellamy asks, rising on his feet from his chair.

"Because," Raven begins, lifting herself up from the car and placing the screwdriver on the small table. "You two fucking idiots need to fucking talk. Just fucking talk to each other for once, Jesus Chris."

"Raven! There's a reason why I came here to you. I could've gone to her place, but I did not, and not because I didn't want to. It's been three weeks since the gala and I've thought about it, over and over and over, and I came to the conclusions I need to leave her space. So I won't."

"Then why are you here right now?" Raven asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Because I just need to know if she's okay."

"She is," she shrugs. "She's not ignoring you, Bellamy. She's not ghosting you like she did after you two had sex and things were too awkward. You're the one who hasn't reached out."

"Purposely. To leave her time."

Raven sighs, but doesn't say anything.

Bellamy knows it in her gut, something is wrong. Off. He knows Clarke said something to Raven, and not because Raven was a bad liar or anything, but because he knows her. He knows she's hiding something, or at least he knows she's leaving something out.

"Maybe you don't have time." Raven says.

_What?_

"She's decided to finally leave, hasn't she?"

She shrugs. "I don't know."

"Then why did you say that?" Bellamy spits.

"Because she wants to!"

Bellamy shakes his heads, in confusion. _If she wants to, why hasn't she already?_

"She wants to accept, you idiot! She's waiting for you to say something! Do something! Tell her something!"

A lump forms in Bellamy's throat and he has to swallow hard to get rid of it.

"Is she..." he tries to talk, but the words really don't come out.

Raven looks at him, and he sees his old hated enemy, pity, in her eyes.

"You should know what to do, Bellamy." Raven says, before making her way to the door behind Bellamy's back. "You know it in your heart."

* * *

_five years ago_

_The music was definitely as loud as he'd expected while standing outside, waiting for their turn to get inside._

_At the entrance, the bodyguard had asked him their tickets or, in alternative, if they wanted to use the exclusive couples sale Octavia had talked about._

_"Should we hold hands?" Clarke has asked him right before their turn._

_Bellamy'd nodded. "Yeah, sure. Come here, take my hand." he'd told her, locking their fingers together._

_Once inside, Jasper had brought Clarke right on the dance floor and Octavia had followed._

_He preferred staying by the counter, taking a cocktail for himself and waiting for the night to be over._

_In the middle of the night, after the hundredth song played, Octavia approached him right while he was on his phone._

”C'mon! _Come have some fun, you're getting oooooold!"_

_Bellamy rolled his eyes and held his middle finger in front of her._

_"Very nature."_

_He smirked at her. Octavia got closer and sat right next to him._

_"You could at least make it believable."_

" _Make what believable?" he asked, not moving his eyes from his phone._

_"That Clarke's your girlfriend!"_

_He waved her off. "No one's watching, O. It's not that deep." he sighed and shoved his phone inside of his pocket. "What time does this end?"_

_Octavia groaned. "I'm gonna have to use strong methods, I guess."_

_"What?" he asked, watching her getting up._

_She didn't say anything, just walked back to the dance floor and, for a while, Bellamy thought she'd given up._

_It's not like he hated parties, or dancing, he just wasn't that type of person. He did not dance, and preferred other ways of having._

_Alcohol, for example, was a good match instead. But, since he had to drive that night, he didn't drink anything but an non-alcoholic cocktail and a coke._

_About thirty minutes after his conversation with Octavia, he felt someone standing in front of him. Again, he lifted his gaze from his phone, and saw Clarke._

" _Not having fun?" she asked, a wide smile on her lips._

_He smirked. "Not my type of fun."_

_"I'm sorry Octavia asked you to go this for me," she chuckled, sitting down next to him. "I asked Monty, but he's sick. And I don't really have many friends here."_

_Here._

_"Octavia told me you're not from here."_

" _Yeah, I'm not. I'm from New York. I moved here just recently, I used to live with my dad but..."_

_She didn't say anything else. He turned to look at her and her smile faded, leaving its place for a much sadder expression. But it didn't last long, because she turned and glanced at him._

" _Do you wanna drink something?"_

" _Oh, I can't. I'm driving tonight."_

_"Oh fuck, right. You're right..."_

_Bellamy hinted a soft smile at her, before shrugging his shoulders. "But I can come with you if you want to get something."_

_She smiled. "I would love that."_

* * *

**_now_ **

Bellamy thought about Raven's words. He thought about them over and over, so much that he went over the whole conversation with her.

But what he heard, what he figured out, was clear: Clarke is still indecisive wether she would leave or not, but something is keeping her from fully taking the final decision.

One cold night during the fourth week without contact with her, he hears Jasper over the phone. He's been telling him about his classes and how boring they are, and how there is this new guy in his class that keeps flirting with him.

Bellamy makes his way to his bookshelves and sweeps his eyes over all of his books, looking for a specific one he's been looking for weeks.

"Hey," Bellamy mumbles, interrupting Jasper's monologue about this new videogame he absolutely has to try, "Did I lend you Animal Farm?"

"Is that a book for kids?"

Bellamy lets out a snort and frowns. "Are you for real right now?"

"What?" Jasper laughs from the other end of the phone.

"Animal Farm? George Orwell?"

"Who's George Orwell?"

"Oh my god," Bellamy blurts out, walking to his desk. "Never mind." he says, opening his drawers frantically and looking everywhere. "I can't find it in anywhere."

"Sure you didn't lend it to anyone?"

"Not that I recall.. no."

"Maybe Octavia has it, she reads a lot."

"Oh." he says, pulling his head back. "You're right. I'm gonna call her now."

"Wait, I was talking to you about this zombie apocalypse g-"

"Yeah yeah, amazing. You should buy it."

"Really? Ah! I told Monty it was useful for an eventual apocalyp-"

"Zombies aren't real, Jas." Bellamy chuckled, walking back to his bed.

"That's what they want you to believe, Blake."

Bellamy snorts. "Yeah, okay... you know what?" he says, laying down on his bed. "Whatever the hell you want. Stay safe!"

Right after ending the call, he calls Octavia.

She takes the call at the second ring.

"Hey," he says, sitting up again. "It's Bellamy, I was wondering—"

He hears talking. Talking that comes from the other side of the phone. It's Octavia's voice, he's sure, but she's not talking to him. Actually, he's not even sure she can hear him.

"You can't keep doing this, Clarke!"

A lump forms in his throat.

She had answered without noticing.

And she - apparently - was talking to Clarke.

He doesn't hear Clarke talking, just his sister's voice scolding her.

"I don't give a fuck." he hears. "I'm not gonna keep lying to him."

Lying to who? Bellamy thought.

"Yes, you are, Clarke, you are but he's my brother!"

He swallows. He shouldn't be hearing this right now. He's not supposed to hear whatever is happening. But, for some reason, he cannot stop.

"You know it already."

Crazy how that is the most of Clarke he's gotten in months.

He wants to know if she's okay, how she's feeling, what she's doing.

He wants to know if she thinks about him as much as he does.

"Look, you know what, go. Just go. Let's end this here. It's getting pretty ridiculous at this point."

He can't do this.

He ends the call.

Everything feels too heavy for him right now — everything has felt so heavy the past few weeks, months — that he doesn't remember how it feels like to live without that weight on his chest.

He showers, for the second time in the day, and then gets back to bed.

Falling in love with his best friend. That's what caused all the drama.

But as he falls asleep, he knows it in his heart. Not after everything that's happened, not after everything he's going through.

He doesn't regret it.

* * *

**_five months ago_ **

_"Are you and Octavia half siblings?"_

_Bellamy blinked a few times before turning his face toward her. The que_ stion _surely came out of nowhere._

_"I'm sorry," she chuckled, tapping the glass around her hand with her fingers. "I'm just asking because it's evident you two guys have a different parent."_

_"Yeah..." Bellamy nodded. "Our mom had two relationships, we have different fathers."_

_Clarke nodded, not glancing away from him._

_"I wanted to thank you again, by the way. For, you know, coming here and pretending to be my date."_

_"Again, no need to." he said._

" _Do you wanna go somewhere else? We don't have to stay here if you don't want to."_

_He raised an eyebrow. "Like where?"_

_A smile grew wider on Clarke's lips. "I heard the club has a roof space. It's probably for special tickets, but I guess..."_

_"That couples are all_ owed," _he smirked. "Good choice. Sure."_

_Once upstairs, Clarke grabbed his hand and held their fingers locked together in front of the body guard, smiling at him when he stepped aside to let them pass._

_Only once they got through the curtain she let it go, laughing loudly. "God, can't believe all they need is two people holding hands to believe they're a couple."_

_She was laughing genuinely, and for the first time that night, Bellamy looked at her as more than just his sister's friend he needed to help._

_Bellamy took a cigarette out of his package and tilted his_ chin at her. "You smoke?"

" _Used to. I quit two months ago."_

_"Fuck, sorry," he laughed. "I probably shouldn't smoke in front of you."_

_"No, no, no problem," she smirked. "Go ahead."_

_The place was indeed beautiful._

_The whole city was visible from their height, and, luckily, thanks of the cold weather everyone preferred staying inside._

_"Can I tell you a secret?" Clarke asked, leaning forward o_ n _the small wall._

_"I can keep secrets. Shoot."_

_She hinted at a smile. "I didn't even want to come here."_

_He turned his head around and glanced at her. "Did you just say I came here for nothing?"_

_Clarke sighed and barely shrugged her shoulders. "As I said, I have not many friends here. Octavia and Jasper suggested this party to me and so I accepted. Didn't wanna seem grumpy like you seem."_

_He narrowed his eyes at her and used his cigarette to point at her. "I'm not your real boyfriend, no one gave you the right to talk to me like that." he said, followed by a smirk._

_"We aren't. We are not even friends. But, who knows," she begun, an expression he would've remembered forever on her face. "Maybe we'll actually become friends."_

_Bellamy shook his head at that, but could not help to smile._

_"Hey," he begun, throwing the cigarette away, "Do yo_ u _want to go eat something?"_

_"Now?"_

_"Yeah... now."_

_"What about Octavia and Jasper?" Clarke asked._

" _Didn't you say you didn't even want to come here? I'm offering you a way out." he smirked._

_"The only way out you are offering..." she said, smirking back at him. "It's for yourself. And you know it damn well."_

_"Well, you caught me." he parted his arms and shrugged his shoulders. "If you want to stay here and drink until you don't feel your legs anymore, I'm not the one who's gonna stop you from doing it." he remarked. “Plus... I bet you’re lowke still going crazy because you can’t smoke. I know the feeling, I’ve tried stopping a few times.”_

_”Guilty.” she smirked._

_“Alright, then. Goodnight.” And,_ _finally, he headed to the exit._

_"Wait," she mumbled, right when he opened the door. He turned around to glance at her._

_"I know a place."_

_*_

_"When you said you knew a place," Bellamy said, looking around. "That's not what I imagine_ d."

" _It's just pizza, Blake." she smirked. "C'mon, order your own."_

_"Mh... I think I decided already."_

_Clarke smiled and closed the menu. "This makes it the two of us, then."_

_They ate the pizza in silence. Bellamy sweat his eyes over the restaurant he had never visited despite he lived there, and Clarke told him she always stayed silent while eating. The since, despite everything, was comfortable._

_No embarrassing holes to fill with meaningless conversation, no awkward glances and forced little smiles._

_He let some pizza fall on his shirt and she helped him clean it. And then, he told her that she shouldn't have but that her mother had caught her to clean the stain right away otherwise it never would've gone away._

_And then, he offered her to take her home._

_"How come I live here but I've never seen this place?"_

" _That's because it means you're not a good observer." Clarke remarked._

_"I've never been in this part of the city if not just passing by with my car. But I regret it, the pizza was surely amazing."_

_"Yeah," she nodded. "It's one of the few places I know here."_

_Then, she glanced at him and leaned her head against the seat. "Thank you, by the way."_

_"Thank you for what?" Bellamy asked her without sweeping his eyes away from the road._

_"For the night. It was... it was better than I expected." she exclaimed._

" _Did you expect it to be great and it turned out even more than great?" he smirked._

_"No," she laughed. "I expected it to be a complete disaster and it turned out decent."_

_"Decent." he repeated, slowly stopping by the sidewalk of her apartment complex. Then, he turned to look at her. "That's acceptabl_ e."

_She laughed, and Bellamy felt the ghost of a smile on his lips._

_"I guess you were right, maybe." he said._

_"About what?" she asked him, picking up her stuff from the floor of the car._

" _About that friends thing. Maybe." he smirked. "Who knows." he then added._

_Clarke shook her head with a smile on her lips this time, opening the door while keeping her eyes on Bellamy._

_"I'll need someone to eat this pizza with me again, 'cause I never have enough of it." she begun. "So you better be available Friday night."_

" _Friday night!" he hissed, shaking his head. He looked at her, shrugging his shoulders. "Friday night I should pretend being someone else's boyfriend, so I don't think I can—"_

_"Fuck off, Bellamy." she laughed, throwing her purse at him._

_But he only smiled._

_"Great, your first swearing against me,” he grinned wider. "Now, we can be friends."_

_ She only rolled her eyes.  _

* * *

**_ now _ **

Something about Bellamy's daily routine gives him the strength to go on and not throw everything away.

His work is annoying, his classes boring, he barely sees the others anymore, and the only thing that keeps him from killing Murphy when he brings Raven to his bedroom and doesn't let him sleep for a whole night is that little crumb of self-control he has left.

But one day, while he's driving back home from his work, his phone buzzes.

As per usual, he doesn't pick it until he stops at a red light.

His heart misses a beat when he sees her name on the screen. It's been months he hasn't seen it.

**_Clarke_ **

**_8.10 PM_ **

Hi. Is there a way you could come over later? I'd like to talk. 10 PM could be good. I'm home alone. Drive safe

Clarke, in case you deleted my number.

He swallows heavily.

It's not that he hasn't lost hope, but he just didn't think she'd be the first one to talk to him. He was waiting for the right moment to be the first one to step in, take the courage to talk to her about everything and leave nothing to the dark, but just as he drives back home and repeats Clarke's message in his head, he realizes he wasn't waiting for Clarke to be ready to head those words.

He was waiting to be ready to say them.

**_Bellamy_ **

**_8.30PM_ **

I can make it work

Bellamy takes the faster shower of his life and changes his clothes just in time. He mumbles a "I'm going out"to his roommate and closes the door behind him.

The road to her apartment seems like an eternity; a thousands questions come up in his mind, even more than he's had in all of this time and, for a second, he fully realizes how this... this is the moment he's been waiting.

The confrontation he's been wanting.

Everything could crumble down to his feet. Now, is the moment of the truth.

He waits a couple of minutes in the parking lot,silently fidgeting on the wheel and telling himself to calm the fuck down.

And when he finally takes the elevator for her floor, he regrets not taking the stairs to let off steam.

He doesn't have to knock more than twice, because she opens the door right away.

She's wearing an outfit way too presentable for her to just stay home.

"Hey," she says, leaning against the door.

It's in that moment that Bellamy notices the purse in her hand and the shoes at her feet.

"Were you going out?"

"Me? No," she shakes her head, and from the way she's grabbing her purse he can say she's nervous. "But I hoped we would."

He blinks.

"Sure." he mumbles.

When Clarke gives gun directions for where she wanted to go, Bellamy feels a sensation, a warmth in his gut that came to to his chest and throat and burns it.

They haven't been there in years.

At first, if was their routine. They spent there their first best nights, eating pizza at 3AM and talking about anything and nothing.

Silence was comfortable and conversations were interesting.

They clicked right away, and for months they kept that routine, getting to know each other better until they weren't strangers any more. Until they weren't even friends only.

Best friends, Bellamy recalls her using this term once, for the first time.

"Why not? C'mon, Bellamy. Help me with this one. You're my best friend."

And things were perfect. He loved it. He loved being her best friend, and he loved knowing he was hers. And then, then he had to ruin everything falling in love. A part of him knew he had always been, right from the moment he saw her and her blue eyes standing there.

"I haven't been here in ages." Bellamy murmurs while entering the place.

"Yeah," she nods. "Me neither." then, turning to glance at his face, she added. "I only came here with you."

They eat. And when Bellamy feels the urge to open his mouth and say something, anything, Clarke places her hand on his.

"First we eat. Then we talk." and she says it with such a small smile on her lips he would like to kiss it all. It hurts he can't.

After dinner, they drive again. He's not sure toward where, but if until then day before he was sure he was the one who needed to reach out and start a conversation, after she called him, he wants to wait. Give her time. It's obvious she needs to tell him something but he won't put hurry on her.

When he drives back to her place, she offers him to come upstairs. Bellamy's heartbeat fastens and he's sure he can hear his blood roaring in his ears at the thought.

Once upstairs, he closes the door behind him and she offers to take his jacket and bring him something to drink. And it's only when he's sitting on her couch and she approaches him again with a glass of wine that he sighs.

"What am I doing here, Clarke?"

She lets out an even heavier sigh than his was. She sits next to him, maintaining the distance, and drinks half of her own glass of wine before placing them both on the café table in front of them. 

"I'd hoped to do this in a— different way but," she shakes her head. "I guess there are not different ways?"

He narrows his eyes at her. No idea what she means, but his palms are sweating.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy." she begins. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I behaved, I'm sorry for everything I did since— I'm sorry for how immature I probably was and for everything I told you and - worse - haven't. For my silence. I'm sorry for the night at the gala and, finally, I'm really sorry for not reaching out earlier. I just needed... time." she finally says.

"I'm sorry too. For— everything, but most of all for... yeah, not reaching out earlier myself. I was giving you some time, figured you needed to... figure stuff out. Without me."

She nods. "Thanks." she says, not smiling with her mouth but he's half sure she's doing it with her eyes. "But I did."

Bellamy didn't notice it before, but now that he gives her apartment a second look, it's full of boxes. Boxes.

"Did you— did you decide? About... about the—"

"Speaking of that," Clarke nodded. She got closer to him, and her eyes did not leave his face. "That's up to you."

To who now?

"I mean..." she continued. "I don't want to go. I don't want to go, but I might have to, but I also might not." she tilted her head to the side. "The real reason why I ran away, that night at the gala—"

"No," Bellamy countered. "No, you don't need to say it if you don't want to. If you don't feel like explaining, maybe you shouldn't—"

"It's because I'm in love with you."

Bellamy's life has been full of breathless moments.

If was a breathless moment when Octavia, at only twelve years old fell and hit her bead and he didn't breath for a few seconds before he checked she was alright.

It was a breathless moment when he applied for his dream course at university and he bad for open the email to find out he had, in fact, been admitted.

It was a breathless moment the moment that time stopped for a second next to his heart, and he kissed his best friend in a fiery public restroom, had sex with her in a stall and then left like that was just another one of his quickies. 

But this, this is like living all of them together. Living every single one of them in one, unique, breathless moment.

"You're—" the world don't come out of his mouth. No matter how much he tries.

Luckily, she doesn't force him to finish the sentence. "Yes." she firmly nods. "And I was afraid... I was afraid you didn't feel the same way. I was afraid... especially after our... especially after having sex, because I thought— I feared I was just another one for you. I've been your best friends for five years, I've seen you hooking up with random women and men and not calling them the morning after and I was just—" she sighed. "I, stupidly now, I realize it, thought I could be the case. That's why I ignored you. Why I ghosted you... I did it to protect myself, before you'd do it. AndI know it was childish and everything but damn, Bellamy, I was just scared. I just now realize I could've talked to you, but every time I tried the words didn't leave my mouth. And I was too, too scared to ruin our friendship, to ruin our relationship because I cherish it, too much to just let it go for a.. for what for you could've been a quickie."

Bellamy swallows heavily. He's sure that if he opens his mouth, nothing will come out. But he has to try. "You've never... ever.... ever been just a quickie to me. I was— I was scared, too, Clarke. I was— I am in love with you. I'm so in love with you. God, I've been for years now." I'm so in love with you it hurts.

And finally, Bellamy sees her smiling. There are tears in her eyes, but he's confident that those aren't years of sadness and he's damn well okay with that.

"I love you too." she whispers.

Bellamy, between the disbelieve and the complete happiness, does the first thing he's wanted to do every day of his life. He cups her face into his hands, collides their lips together, and kisses her, kisses her hard, kisses her like he's always wanted to, kissed her like she's all he's ever needed. Because she is.

Between a smile and another, and half of their clothes already on the floor, Clarke smiles against his lips. He pulls away, just to admire her face. Just to admire the same blue eyes he spotted outside of a crappy old club five years ago, and, god, if he fell in love on spot and ever stopped.

But right when she's about to kiss him again, he spots something with the corner of his eye.

"Is this-" he frowns, leaning over and grabbing a book on the café table. He turns it around in his hand, and reads the title.

_**George Orwell, Animal Farm.** _

"Have you- have you had it all this time?" he asks her, glancing at her.

She bites her bottom lip, swollen from his kisses. "I alway forgot to return it to you."

Bellamy let's out a laughter. A happy laughter. He kisses her, again, and again, and again.

That night, they don't make it in time for the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are!  
> I didn’t have to think much about the ending, as the intent of the story was, since the beginning, to make these two idiots realize they’re more than just best friends. The happy ending was taken for granted. 
> 
> On the other side, I really loved writing this last part, and I’ve tried to explain the essence of their relationship in these words, hoping I did it.
> 
> Comments & opinions are always, always appreciated! Thank you for anyone who’s been reading, following and supporting the story!


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